I'll Tell You About It Later

Friday afternoon at Lake of the Clouds Hut, looking up to the summit of Mt. Washington.
At the summit. Freezing. I ran and put my gloves and coat on after this.
Looking back up on the way down. With my little pal in my pack. Notice the hat head.
Heading back from the summit to the hut. Mt. Monroe is the closest peak you can see.
Finally at the bottom, 11 hours later. Checking the map for some unknown reason.
A little 2.5 mile walk into the woods the next morning. Mostly flat.
Visited the homestead. Every time I look at this I cry.
Bald Peak on Mt. Kinsman at 7:30 this morning. I was up at 5am, at the trailhead by 6am and had a glorious solitary walk in the woods to this amazing site.

More pictures and details soon. Right now I'm just blissed out.

Biking Through the Heebie Jeebies

This past weekend was my 20th high school reunion, which meant that the past week was filled with get togethers with friends from childhood and high school, very late nights up laughing (very late night on Saturday laughing and drinking) then lazing at the movies yesterday to recover from it all before going to bed early last night.

I did manage to squeeze in a yoga class on Friday morning (yay core), then a quick mountain bike ride on Friday afternoon. After yoga I stopped into a make up store for some powder and ended up letting the make up artist give me an entire made up face. Here you can see how well it held up through the ride. Notice the bronzed cheeks and the smokey eye. And the creepy bunker I'm standing in.

The place we bike was used as an ammunition depot during World War II, so it is full of creepy bunker and weird things. I often get the heebie jeebies while biking there, but it has good trails.

Can you see the bunker through the woods?


And the thing about the heebie jeebies is that they feed on themselves. So, even though you know that probably there is not a dead body around the corner, and there are not ghosts wandering the bunkers (some of which reminded me of concentration camps for some reason) the HJ's were throwing off my mad skilz and the ride felt sort of choppy. Add that to the fact that J. and I aren't the best map readers and kept going in circles... we've seen better days.

Then my late nights and the rum caught up to me and I felt too crappy to ride yesterday which meant I missed out on a 2.5 hour ride. Majorly bummed. But at least the next reunion isn't for 5 more years, and I'll write myself a little note to not have any rum and cokes. (This is how lame I am, I had one and then gave my friend half of the second one because it was too strong.)

Oh, and I found an apartment! I was going to write about it - telling you about all the ones I looked at, and the one I almost settled for and how I almost didn't even go look at this one because it was billed as an upscale, high end condo and surely I don't deserve to live in one of those, but then I visited it, and it was so right, and even though there were 8 other people looking at it she picked me! and it's across the street from the ocean, and has a fire place and central air and hard wood floors and gorgeous kitchen and is so perfect. But, I didn't write about it, so you'll just have to imagine that I did.

Big hike coming up on Friday. Trying to put last minute training plan into place.

Hike Report: Lafayette, Lincoln & Little Haystack

The details: Up Falling Waters Trail to Little Haystack, Franconia Ridge Trail to Lincoln and Lafayette, down Greenleaf to hut, down Old Bridle Path to trailhead.

Total mileage: 8.9. Total time: 8 hours. (Yes, just call me Pokey.) Left trailhead at 9:30, back at 5:30. Climbed on Saturday.

I was very prepared for this hike (except for my flannel clothes that I usually bring for sweat and runny noses. Never forget these again.) I packed my bag, and my bag for clothes to change into and started out bright and early to pick up my hiking partner.
Almost 3 hours later, here we were at the trailhead. We were taking Falling Waters up, and Old Bridle Path down.
Everyone and their dog was out hiking on Saturday, along with half of the population of France (or perhaps Quebec). The trail was quite crowded at the beginning, with various dogs running back and forth, and people quite close to us. At the trail split, most seemed to go up Old Bridle Path while we went to Falling Waters, so that helped to thin things out.

We soon came upon a series of very pretty waterfalls (despite the fact that I'm not smiling in the photo.) The thing about pretty waterfalls, the trail on the side of the water fall is steep and rocky. Which we decided was much better to go up than down, and gave us a much better view of the waterfalls. We tucked our hiking poles into our packs and scrambled up and up.

Somewhere around this time I realized that I hadn't quite eaten enough for breakfast and needed some fuel. I was taking small bites of my ProBar since they aren't easy to eat, and snacked on some cheese sandwich. I should have sat and ate more. I think it would have made the rest of my hike more enjoyable and better fueled.
I do not hike fast, and my lungs were definitely feeling the climb. My legs felt fine and it was frustrating that my lungs and heart did not seem to be cooperating. My speed was about 1 mile per hour, approximately that of a spider (and much faster than a sloth and quite faster than a garden snail) so we were soon passed by everyone. My poor hiking partner hikes much faster than I do, so she spent a lot of time waiting for me.

But, my slowness allowed me to see a mouse trying to carry a toad stool into it's burrow, which is just as cute as you'd imagine it would be.

Soon enough we were above the tree line and it was worth it.
The rocky ridge.
Tree on very windy Little Haystack. 4,800 feet. Sadly, it doesn't qualify as a 4000 footer "because it stands less than 200 ft (61 m) above the col on the ridge from Lincoln" but we did bag two 5000 footers, and climbed 3 actual peaks. It was very windy up there.

When I first attempted tree pose my inner thigh muscle seized into a charlie horse so I had to stretch out a bit, and then it was much more elegant.

We hiked over Lincoln 5089', and finally made it up to the summit of Lafayette. 5260 feet. By this time I was about to bonk.
I ate some trail snacks - marcona almonds and chocolate chips. My spirits and energy picked up quite a bit after having lunch. Some of these, the rest of my cheese sandwich, a hard boiled egg, and bite of my very unphotogenic PB&J.
Then we did some more yoga poses. (There's a crow photo on it's way.)
Side plank!
We hung out on the windy summit for a bit, looking at Mt. Washington, doing yoga poses and taking group photos for other people.

Looking back from whence we came.
Heading down from Lafayette, we descended to the Greenleaf Hut. For the first time in 5 hours I had to pee, conveniently at the toilets. I think that my profuse sweating on the way up made it so that all liquids left my body via sweat, and then on the way down when I wasn't sweating as much I finally had to pee.

Anyway, the hut was quite crowded with people sitting and having coffee, cocoa or lemonade. We peeked into the bunk rooms then restarted out trek down. In this photo you can see the entire ridge we hiked, with Lafayette visible on the far left above the roof.
One last look.

On the way down, we passed 3 of the hut croo who are the young men and women who work at the huts and have to carry all the hut supplies up on their backs. They have packs that are wood framed with liquor store boxes lashed to them (I swear one of the girls was carrying 3 boxes of canned goods). It's a bit like huffing and puffing your way down a hill and then having Lance Armstrong fly up the mountain past you riding a wooden bicycle.

We would stop and watch them pass, then watch them speed up the mountain. They climbed with their hands holding up the bottom of the wood frame and the girl carrying the canned goods was holding her iPhone as well. They were truly a site to behold.

Heading down was when we both got a little cranky. Our legs were hurting, I could feel hot spots on my big toes and we just wanted to be done. But the only way to get down the mountain is to climb down. So we trekked on.

Finally we were at the bottom, too tired to take any more photos, but there was parking lot yoga to stretch out our tired muscles.

3 hours later, I dropped my hiking partner off and was soon home myself. I was exhausted. I washed my feet and calves and went to bed. I fell asleep shortly after 9, having put myself to bed with no dinner.

I slept right through until 6am, and today I feel slightly stiff when I get up from sitting, but other than that I feel fine. No sunburn, no stitches (which apparently my father needed when he fell once on those same mountains) no bug bites. Normal amount of hungry. Rather thirsty, but I think that's also from the crazed housework I was doing in very muggy weather.

Now to plan the next one! (Which my dad thinks is going to be Mt. Washinton, 6288 feet, but I think I might need to re-think that.)

Hike Prep

Study map.

Check out gossip blogs.

Facebook.

Check email.

Figure out to to get to trailhead.

Fill hydration system and water bottles.

Make a cheese sandwich.

Pack almonds and chocolate chips.

Pack 2 ProBars.

Make a PB & J sandwich.

Prep coffee machine.

Set out coffee mug and travel mug.

Lay out hiking clothes.

Pack drive-home outfit.

Pack change-in-the-parking-lot-skirt.

Remember flip flops for drive home.

Mentally review contents of car: hiking shoes, poles, bug spray, hat.

Remember father's admonition to coat feet in Vaseline to avoid blisters.

Realize you have no Vaseline.

Consider using Lush hand lotion but don't want to waste it on feet.

Assume feet will be fine.

Re-check all clothes.

Head to bed.

I'll be in the hills if you need me.

At Loose Ends

When ever I'm going through a stressful time, it's helps to visualize a metaphor for what I'm experiencing (or choreograph an interpretive dance about it, but I haven't gotten that far yet.)

So, here's what I'm picturing: a hot air balloon, fire burning, filling with air trying to take off. But the sand bags are still on. Then one by one, the sand bags are cut away - boy, dog, hair (I don't know why hair is a sand bag, it just is), apartment, new apartment (that's a new one.)

I'm packing all my things, and trying very hard not to just write "Send to Goodwill" on all the boxes. Although I did keep my well-worn copy of Jane Eyre out of the boxes, just in case that happens. I'm having such a desire to get rid of so many of my things to just go live in a little house in the woods or by the beach with just my clothes (I am a professional, I need my clothes) and a few dishes, and my yoga mat and my knitting and my coffee maker.

Or perhaps become a vagabond.

Or just trust that the perfect place will be found in the perfect time. And since I believe in the "when you pray, move your feet" theory of manifesting things, I'm looking and reaching and emailing and driving to see things, in addition to visualizing myself living in the perfect space.

Weekend Warrior

I was quite a weekend warrior these past couple of days. After a week that found me in tears for a few days at weird times (mostly driving while talking to myself about Jane), and then found me going down a one way street the wrong way while trying to buy moving boxes, I realized I needed some serious sweat therapy.

So, Saturday I headed down to the East Bay Bike Path with Ally for a nice 14 mile ride along the ocean. With a flat tire. Seriously. After last weekend's bike issues, to have yet another ride stymied by my aparent inability to care for my bikes was just comical. Thankfully, we found a bike shop near by, they gave me 2 new tires with the speed of a NASCR pit stop, and we were back in shape.

The trail is fairly narrow for a bike path, especially in the beginning (near Colt State Park) it is also a stroller/walker/roller-blade/meander/dog walk path. We weaved in and out of the people and finally found some space. There are also a lot of road crossings which made it hard to get a good pace going. Finally, towards East Providence there are some nice long stretches that aren't too populated. I'd say head out early in the morning (which we had planned...)

The round trip (26 miles, we skipped a mile or so branch) took about 2 hours and was just the right amount of time. Just as I was ready to be done, we were done.

Bristol is a very cute little town.

This morning I had planned a mountain bike ride but just as I was in the car and heading out, my riding companions texted that they would not be joining me. I refrained from texting back "come on, people, rally!! pain is temporary!" and made a quick mental calculation of my options. Returning home to sloth on the couch was not one of those options. Venturing into the somewhat creepy biking woods on my own did not appeal to me, so I made a quick swing back home for my hiking shoes (that'll teach me to store them at home instead of in the car like I normally do) and headed out to the non-creepy hiking woods.

A very sweaty but nice 3 hour hike. I will be very glad when fall is here.

It's weird to not have a dog in the house after 14 years. The wind blew and I didn't have to worry that the dog would get nervous. I can leave the vacuum cleaner out without her avoiding that room. I can leave the door open for a minute and not worry that I'll have to go hunting under all the bushes to find her. When I wake up at 2 a.m. there is no little soul down the hall that somehow senses my awakeness when I haven't even moved and comes ticking ticking ticking to check on me.

I got Jane 3 days after my last dog passed away quite suddenly from cancer. And a few days ago I came across this sled dog kennel that has retired sled dogs for adoption. But, I know I'm not ready for another dog. Not for a while. Still, I miss that little husky face. So, I got this:

My small new friend, Blizzard. He's reading about downward facing dog. (Actually I think that's dolphin...) He's just the right size to come hiking in my back pack with me, and to hang out on the counter or table if an ear needs to be scritched or something. He's what will prevent me from driving to New Hampshire and returning with a retired sled dog of my very own.

I had too many Jelly Belly's again. I really just need to buy about 20 at a time or something. I eat about 40 of them and then my belly hurts. And my body is tired, and just the right amount of sore. And I am glad it is almost bedtime.

Tomorrow I will do yoga. No excuses. Even if it's just dolphin pose.

I'm Molting

Little Jane. 1996 - 2010. She never like the camera. But she sure liked me.

All the things I've loved and that have kept me safe and housed and tethered are falling away. Like pieces of armour dropped on a long march.

My dog, who died today in my arms.

The Boy, who is gone.

My hair that I cut off.

My apartment that I'm leaving soon.

It makes me wonder what I'll find up ahead when it's just me and my skin out there.

Have Mat, Will Travel

This was where my bike ride took me. I had a broken spoke so I had to bag the ride and go to EMS for a repair. Except that they didn't open for an hour. So, I rolled out my mat, enjoyed the empty parking lot, blue sky and sea breeze and did a lovely 40 minute practice.

I started with some Sun As & Bs. Then did a series of triangle, parsvakonasana to ardha chandrasana. Prasarita Parsvattonasana with my head touching the ground (not quite up into tri pod headstand.) Some pigeon, upavishta konasana, janusirsasana, paschimottanasana. We haven't been doing many forward bends in class and I miss them. I tried crow which was made slightly more difficult by the slick coating of sun screen and bug spray that I had applied earlier, but it forced me to use my core more. I held the poses for 5 deep breaths, adjusting them and really feeling them without the noise of a teacher instructing me but still working from the inside out to express them.

Perfect.

It was nice to be outside. I think that is what has kept me from practicing at home with my low ceilings, I need more space. I want more space. And the continuous breeze even though the sun was on me felt so good.

I feel weirdly like I haven't moved enough today. I think because I was all prepared for a couple of hours of biking, and now my bike is in the shop (getting a lot of good things done) and it's too sunny to go out on my other bike and I'm covered in sweat and sun screen and bug spray and I feel all discombobulated. I should just go buy some cheese.

"I mean, I can't put my legs behind my head or anything."

This is what someone said to me the other day when we were talking about yoga. And I've heard it, or some variation of it, before.

You know what you never hear from a beginning runner? "I mean, I can't run an ultra-marathon yet or anything."

Or from a beginning cyclist? "I mean, I can't get up the Pyrenees with Lance or anything."

And yet people think that they need to come to yoga already being able to do all the things you learn in yoga.

When I re-started my practice this spring, the very first class I went to found me unable to bend my knee very much in warrior 2. My quads had not done any work in months and they wondered what on earth I was doing to them. My teacher wanted me to bend my leg more, but I just said "this is as far as it's going today." "I love it!" he exclaimed and we carried on.

We both knew that as I got stronger (which didn't take very long) my leg would bend and I'd have a nice right angle and we could then work on other stuff but for now (then) it was enough that I was on my mat.

I'm going mountain biking again this morning. I mean, I can't hop over a log and the trails aren't really steep, but I think I'll still have fun. : )

Ballet Class

(photo source.)

Yoga today felt like ballet class. In Russia. None of the lovely fun poses from yesterday, just hard hard work. As though we were standing at the barre doing the same positions over and over until our muscles ached. And as though someone was walking around with a switch. And all I wanted to do was pirouette around the room.

At one point during prasarita padottanasna C (standing wide legged forward bend) with our hands clasped behind out backs and then coming up over our heads as we leaned forward, the teacher came and stood beside me, planted her leg in front of mine (so I couldn't bend my knees) and then pushed my hands forward keeping her hand on my back so I couldn't come up. It was an alarming adjustment, mostly in my mind because it felt so uncharacteristically harsh, but also in my hamstrings. I held it with a twisted face trying to breath through it. I know I could have said "stop" and almost did, but I breathed instead. My hamstring was fine. My brain was not.

My Saturday teacher is a wonderful teacher, an Ashtangi, but physically the classes are so hard for me. A lot of junk was bubbling up in class today. That's another reason I find them so hard. In my other classes the teacher and I will talk a bit, laugh sometimes, while still working hard and making progress on things. On Saturdays, there is no release of that energy or frustration. It just bubbles and simmers and swirls around in my brain. I think that's why on Saturdays 80% of the time I end up crying by the end of class. Not huge blubbery crying, but yoga crying.

There are no more Saturday classes until Fall, so I'm going to use that time to build my home practice. I bought an Ashtanga DVD which I haven't watched yet. I feel like I want to use these next 6 weeks or so to get my head and my body in order so that these classes aren't so tough.

It is so humid today. I need to figure out what to do with the farmer's market veggies so they don't wilt all over the place. And then move them so I can hang out there.

When You Just Don't Feel Like It

This was what kept me home from yoga last night (and off my mat at home). Also, I think my couch's gravitational pull is stronger some days than other. I'll blame the random 2 a.m. wake up for skipping the 8 a.m. yoga class today. But I did sign up for 9:30 even though I don't really feel like going. It will get me out of the house and on with my other errands.

I need to practice at home more. If I am really serious about wanting to progress to the more difficult poses, I need to practice at home. (This is what I wrote this morning before leaving for yoga class.)

Then this is what we did in class.

And I actually did it! (Photo source. Bird of Paradise pose)

And this, crane pose. Which was awesome and strong. I try to remember Sadie Nardini when I do crow. I like her cues.

And 8 Crooked Limb Pose.

(Both from YogaJournal.com)

It was an awesome class and I felt good and strong. And so glad I went. I think I'm out of my yoga funk where I felt like I wasn't doing anything fun and challenging.

And we worked on my chaturanga to up-dog, I had been dipping down way to far and then couldn't get back up (but also couldn't stop before I got down too far) without putting my thighs down. My teacher now has me only going down as far as I can while still maintaining control in my arms, and then flipping into up dog. This means my chest is high off the ground, but it feels like I will progress better this way, and my alignment feels better too.

We'll see what tomorrow morning brings, and whether too many Jelly Belly jelly beans improve my practice or hinder it.

Bummer, Dude.

(My niece, when she was a baby.)

I'm having one of those days where I want to hold a baby and sniff its head and have it lie there sleeping on my chest. And then return it to its parents after 15 minutes or so.

One of those days filled with little annoyances and small (well, medium sized) disappointments that just start to weigh on you a bit. Forgotten soon enough, I suppose, but here with me today.

And I'm reading this book about finding husband after 35 using techniques learned at Harvard Biz School, which is hysterically funny, sad, frightening and intriguing all at once. Apparently if I follow her plan I should have a husband in 12-18 months. Except that her Program (yes, its referred to as "The Program") involves setting aside 10-20% of your income to go towards your "marketing," making telemarketing calls to every single person you remotely know to see if they know any single people, finding a "mentor" who has 2 hours a week to spare helping you with The Program, and then devising a series of tests for your man once you find him just to make sure he really is the right one. One of the tests she suggests is asking him to help one of your friends move. Seriously.

In the spirit of that book I took myself to a Spanish wine and cheese pairing class last week, since, you know, that's where single men hang out. Actually, it's where lesbians and other single straight women looking for single men hang out. But the food was amazing, the wine was fantastic and I got a tour of a cheese cave (which doesn't really look like a cave.) And the cheese monger had dreamy eyes.

If you are lucky I'll share some of my adventures in this realm from time to time, just so you don't get bored on my journey to forearm balance and handstand.

There are thunderstorm warnings tonight. Maybe a nice storm and the change in barometric pressure will blow these bahs out of here.

Scatterbrain

I felt like such a scatterbrain today! Twice at work I had that "oh, crap I forgot to do that!" feeling. Thankfully it was not related to client work, but still threw me off.

Then I had brought my yoga clothes so I could go to class after work and when I got to class I realized I had no pants. The studio has a boutique attached so I was able to buy some pants (and borrow a mat since I had forgotten mine) but again, it left me unsettled.

My practice didn't feel great but it did feel good to be practicing so early in the week. Even though I was the only one in class and had to hold warrior longer than I wanted so we could get my back femur doing one thing and my other inner thigh spiraling somewhere while my leg straightened by didn't hyperextend and my ankle muscle siezed into a mini charley horse.

Sunday I biked 17 miles so my legs appreciated the stretching. And last night I ate cheese for dinner and went to bed too early, waking up at 2:30 and not falling back asleep so my body appreciates the yoga, too. I knew that class would keep me out of the house during prime snacking hour and prevent me from crashing too early.

Zonked now and looking forward to sleep. Long, continuous sleep.

Floating Savasana

What a day! I am wiped out. But thankfully did not wipe out.

After this morning's intense yoga class my plan was to hang out inside all day to avoid the sun and heat. Then my friend emailed and said she had just gotten a new mountain bike and was going to the trails with her husband. Next thing I knew I was dressed and throwing my bike in the back of my SUV and out the door. If you can't beat the heat, join it!

How have I never gone mountain biking in my life?! It was so much fun! Being on the trails and having to constantly be paying attention and present so you don't fall or jam your pedal into a rock or wipe out in a big thing of mud is really a good time. It's like yoga, kind of, where if your mind gets all noisy you'll fall so you really have to pay attention and work but also trust your bike. Then you get to a calmer part of the trail and it's like resting in down dog.

We did about 8 miles in the woods, then a few on the road.

Finally home and showered and I decided not to swim since I was tired and drinking rose'. But then 6:30 rolled around and I knew the water would be awesome so I was back on that bike for a couple more miles to the beach.

The water was heavenly, and it turns out that a lot of people come back to my little beach in the evening and they bring dinner. It's very cute to see while I swim back and forth and float. Tonight I finished my swim with a floating savasana. Just lying back, totally relaxed, palms up, exactly like savasana on the floor but in the water. Ears just under the water so all I can hear is the rocks rolling against each other.

I think that must be what heaven is like.

How I Lost Zero Pounds With Yoga (and hiking, biking and swimming)

(me and Monadnock)

Back in March I started attending yoga classes on a regular basis, 4-5 days a week. Then as spring unfolded I began biking again, and hiking. Now that summer is here I've added swimming to my weekly activities.

I would love to be able to tell you that the yoga (and other stuff) helped me release the "extra" 30 pounds I've been carrying for a few years. How I've been amazed at how the weight melted off and I've had to get rid of all my clothes and can hardly believe I'm the same person. How my arms look like Madonna's, my quads rival Lance Armstrong's and my abs look like some awesome abs on some amazing person.

But none of that actually happened. And shows no sign of happening. I have no dropped one blessed pound.

Yes, my arms are getting defined, my quads are showing shape (we won't talk about the belly) my strength has increased since that first day in class when I could barely hold my second warrior, I can do upward bow pose, my inversions are better, I sort of kicked up into forearm balance yesterday, my dolphin is swimming and strong, I hung on during the Level 3 class this morning where my teachers were students along side me, I felt amazing and strong during my hike last weekend.

But, folks, I'm still overweight. I'll pause while you gasp and wonder what I must be eating to counteract the hundreds and thousands of calories I'm burning every week. (It's actually the same as I was eating while I sat around and did nothing and didn't lose weight.)

So, that's what's happening here. Yoga and hiking and biking and swimming won't magically make the weight fall off you. They will kick your butt and make you cry and soar and want to give high-fives to people, but they will do nothing at all to the number on the scale. And that's ok with me.

Priorities

My priority right now is not learning to run. It is swimming when the tides are right (like tonight, choppy but warm), biking, doing yoga and hiking. There isn't time to spend doing something I don't enjoy which could negatively impact my doing of the things I do enjoy by making my legs sore or cutting into my time to do those things.

Maybe in the fall or winter, when it's colder and I can't swim and it's dark so I don't want to bike, then I'll start running. But right now it would not be a beneficial addition to my life. And I'm ok with that.

My desire to do a triathlon could probably be met by doing a bike ride with a group or something like that.

So, I shall save Week1Day2 of C25k for some day in the future.

For now, I have a hike to plan, a bike to put away and a swim suit to hang on the line.

Indulging

Today I rested. After work I turned on the AC, drank beer, ate pizza and watched the Lindsay Lohan hearing on TMZ.com. That was awesome. Dirty looks, angry mutterings, pleading glances, then tears, recrimmination, a stern judge and 90 days in jail followed by 90 days inpatient treatment. All easily avoided if you skip drinking, drugging & driving, lying, blaming other people, making excuses, skipping out on things, pretending the rules don't pertain to you and then lying a little more. Let that be a lesson to you.

Now my belly is full, my quads are still sore and I'

Plan for the rest of the night: transport the cold air around with me, read, and chill.

Tomorrow is day 2 of C25K... I swear that I will complete it. Come hell or high temps. I promise. I swear. As long as this pizza is no longer in my belly and my legs don't feel like lead and it's not 90 degrees out...

The Ladies Leisurely Quad-Town Triathlon

I did a triathlon today. My own made up schedule and route and as I was taking yet another break under a shady tree, I decided that it would be called the Ladies Leisurely Quad-Town Triathlon. And I shall hold it every year, and we shall pretend we are biking in costumes like this:And swimming in those heavy wool things, and running, well, Ladies don't really run all that fast so we shall perhaps alternate between running and walking lest we get the vapors.

It started with a 40 minute swim this morning. Heavenly as always. I think that I have a high tolerance for cold water, because I'm generally the only one swimming. Other people hop in and out giving those little hoots you give when the water is cold. I give a few hoots, but then I settle in. I'm thankful for the swimming lesson in the ocean when I was little - I remember cold morning with the teacher on the shore in a fleece jacket and us in the water, shivering away. But now I can swim and not mind the cold water so it was for the best!

After the swim I biked home (it's less than 2 miles) and had second breakfast - cold polenta with shrimp - changed, sunscreened up and headed back out. I have to say that pre-hydrating and eating more before the ride make a big different.

I biked 6.5 miles to the High School, which is located at the top of 2 hills. I discovered that my bike doesn't have enough gears as I cranked up those hills. The old 10 speed may not last me much longer... I sat for a bit in the shade and recovered my breath and thought about the fact that I then had to do Week 1, Day 1 of Couch to 5k. It's alternating 60 seconds of running with 90 seconds of walking for 20 minutes, with a 5 minute walk warm up & cool down.

I really need to find a better place to train for running than a non-shaded, black asphalt, high school track. Talk about miserable heat. I also need to find a bra that gives me support (which I had) but still allows for full breathing (not so much). Running is pretty much the most unpleasant activity to me. It wasn't pretty, but I made it. Does it get better?

Back to the shade for my cool down walk, and some more bench-lying and plotting my route home. I picked something I figured would be about 10 miles, and take me through the woods and not on any major hills. It was a great route, and in the middle of the woods is a spring where the park has installed faucets so you can fill water bottles. It was the perfect place to re-fill, as I'm finding my hydration pack only gets me through an hour of biking in the hot weather.

I had thankfully chosen a route that was mostly down hill on my way home, which was very welcome.

17 miles total (21 including this morning) through 4 towns and I was back home.

I feel very good. The only part that sucked was the running/walking in the hot sun. I could bike and swim all day long. I'm hoping that the running gets better, and that I can find a shady place to practice.

--

ETA: I couldn't pass up the evening high tide, so I went back for another swim and discovered that my old-lady sidestroke is quite speedy and aerodynamic. Would this be an inappropriate stroke for a tri? Also, I should practice with my face in the water. I usually wear a hat and sunglasses to protect my face. As one woman remarked, "This is August water!" It was almost too warm. I was hoping to get quite chilled which makes for better sleep. I think I am just chilled enough.

What a heavenly day.

I Think I Am Part Mermaid

I don't know how else to explain the irresistible pull the ocean had on me tonight. I was happily in my polenta & shrimp-induced food calmness (not quite coma) and enjoying a glass of rose' when the next thing I knew I was checking the tide, the time of sunset, and in my bathing suit and on my bike on my way to the beach.

It's a tiny little thing, rocky shore and not much parking, but there were a few families settling in for the night with chairs and dinner. No one else in the water though, except me. It was the perfect temperature, just the tiniest bit choppy. I swam for a while. Then just floated, head back, arms out, seeing only the sky, hearing only the clinking of the rocks against each other from the waves. I wanted to nap there. I thought "if I try to do a triathlon, what if I don't want to leave the water? What if I just stay and swim and float and they wonder - who is that girl who won't get out of the water and on her bike?" and "High tide is tomorrow at 6am, can I come back then?"

When it was time to leave, my legs didn't know what to do. They had turned back into legs and were clumsy trying to leave the water, collapsing under me to leave me sitting on a rock for a bit, my brain trying to make the transition out of the water and back onto land. I made it, biked home, turned back into a human again.

Inland, By Edna St. Vincent Millay

People that build their houses inland,
People that buy a plot of ground
Shaped like a house, and build a house there,
Far from the sea-board, far from the sound

Of water sucking the hollow ledges,
Tons of water striking the shore,—
What do they long for, as I long for
One salt smell of the sea once more?

People the waves have not awakened,
Spanking the boats at the harbour's head,
What do they long for, as I long for,—
Starting up in my inland bed,

Beating the narrow walls, and finding
Neither a window nor a door,
Screaming to God for death by drowning,—
One salt taste of the sea once more?

Lucky I Have Strong Legs Like My Mother

I inherited giant muscular calves from my mother. They will never be dainty and when I was younger I used to wonder if surgery to remove extra calf muscle was possible. (WTF?!) But, when I'm on my bike I appreciate the extra help. I pretend that I'm like Lance Armstrong with his specially built lungs that help his over the Pyrenees. My specially built legs help me over the hills of Cohasset. It's kind of the same, right?

I biked 16.25 miles today. I took the red mountain bike because it's slightly more comfortable to ride, but it is an albatross. It is so much heavier than the road bike and getting up hills on it is harder since I have less leverage. But I wanted sort of a slow scenic ride, and that's what I had, through the woods, along the ocean, past the beach where they were having a sand castle contest. I ran out of water at mile 14, which I didn't expect. Now I know to fill my Camelback up the whole way, and maybe throw in an extra bottle just in case. I was fine the rest of the way home, it was mostly down hill.

My right knee hurt for some of it, and now my right groin feels strained but I'm going to keep stretching it out and hopefully that will help.

Yesterday was a good yoga class, then a walk in the woods before having some drinks by the ocean.

I didn't start the C25K today because I really just wanted to be on my bike. Alternate plans are: go tonight (chances: slim to none) or go tomorrow morning (chances: good.)

Plans for now: re-fuel with some farmer's market pasta and the emergency cupcake I found stashed in the freezer.

Holiday, Celebrate

Someday I will do this. Madonna in a fancy pincha mayurasana/forearm balance. Borrowed from an email sent to me by Back Bay Yoga. She's an Ashtangi, of course.

This gives me hope. Because I think Madonna is 50 (pause to shudder at the thought of how quickly time flies) and she can do this. So maybe when I'm 50 I'll be able to do it.

Going to yoga this morning. Then the farmer's market. I'm going to stock up on things and freeze some of them to avoid having to go to Whole Foods during the week.

And I have a new bike helmet & bucket hat so my head will be nice and safe if I go for a bike or a swim or a walk.

Also, I'm having the crazy idea to do the Couch to 5K program so that I can do a mini-triathlon some day. Because I've got the biking and swimming part down, it seems a shame not to try running to put all the pieces together.

Despite Appearances

I did not have a bad day today. Had you been looking in on me as I had the brilliant idea to get my car inspected on my day off, and then received the news that it would cost $1400, or maybe $1800 to get it to pass, and oh, you need a new front license plate, and then drove to the other shop closer to my house to have it looked at again, and sat for another 45 minutes while they went through it, oh, only $1000, good news. Still need new plate. Don't get pulled over. Bring it back Tuesday.

Then coming home to find that my aging dog had left a gift for me on the bathroom floor. Clean that up. Take the clothes off the line. Dishes need washing. Clothes need folding. (Thank god there are no children who need tending.)

But the reality is - it's all ok. None of it is a crisis. No matter the cost of the car repairs, I can afford it and then my car will be better and last me longer. Dishes can be washed. Clothes can be folded. Life will go on. No one is sick. No one is dying. No one has been betrayed. I come home to a safe and clean and beautiful neighborhood. I have everything I need. My life is beautiful.

Wild Geese, by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

I love this poem. Every so often when I start to get anxious, I think "oh, if I am good and get things in order and exercise and clean and do all the right things something will notice and it will be better. I'll be good, I swear." Then I remember this poem, I do not have to be good and walk on my knees. I just have to be. And I can clean or exercise, not because I need to be good but because it feels good to move and live in a pleasant environment.

But it was still a tiring day, with lots of reminding myself that it wasn't a bad day. So I might just find a sad movie to watch and start again tomorrow.

The Journey

I returned to the yoga studio today. Somehow the days slipped by with biking and walking and not yoga. "Somehow" is a cop out. There was no yoga because I didn't do yoga. No somehow about it.

Anyway, I always think that the one hour Friday morning class will be easy because it's an hour. Oh, no. Think again. Teacher and I both want me to get into forearm balance, which meant lots of dolphin and plank. And my favorite flow from parsvakonasana into ardha chandrasana, which felt much stronger and graceful than it has in the past. And I was able to do all my chaturanga dandhasanas with straight legs and then flip up into up-dog without dropping my hips and legs to the ground. It took some brute strength but I'll get to the graceful flow soon enough.

Then we worked on my forearm balance. I can get to down dog, and shift forward to put my shoulders about my elbows, and there the weakness sets in. My arms and shoulders and hands that feel so strong in other poses, just start to feel so weak. So we work. I lift one leg up, then the other. Then rest. Then do head stand to get me upside down, to work on lifting my shoulderblades up (down) my back. Then shoulderstand with my triceps pleading with me to be done.

At the end of Savasana, my teacher read this poem:

The Journey, by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

So, I'm off to stride deeper and deeper into the world, determined to save the only life I can save.

I Lied

I lied. I am going to tell you what I ate today. Because when you are keeping track of your food you want company during such a boring chore.

Pre-ride breakfast: english muffin with almond butter.

Post ride: small bowl of grape nuts.

Snack: Chobani pineapple.

Lunch: cheese ravioli & pesto (from farmer's market) with asparagus and cauliflower.

Dinner: bread & cheese upon arrival home (famished) then kale, leek and mushroom frittata, Harpoon Summer Beer.

The key to today was being mindful. Paying attention (via tracking) to what I was eating, noticing what the computer thought I should eat v. what I knew I should eat due to the bike ride (a couple hundred extra cals), making sure I used veggies as the base of my meals and remembering that more protein at lunch makes me happier.

I boiled one of the two dozen eggs I picked up at the farm down the street. Those will be a good addition to my days.

I was awake at 4am this morning (birds, not insomnia) so I'm foreseeing an early bedtime, another early morning and a bike ride with my new sunglasses.

Pardon the Interruption

There is really nothing more boring that talking about weight loss (or lack thereof) because it is a meaningless goal (for me anyway) but just for today I will track what I eat in Sparkpeople. I will not let that overtake my life but it is just so curious to me that I've been doing so much exercise and activity these last 3 months and have not lost an ounce. And my eating habits are the same. Would I weight 250 pounds now if I hadn't been doing all that stuff?

Anyway, I biked 14 miles this morning. My sunglasses dropped an arm at some point during the ride, so on the way home I was riding with them on like they were opera glasses, with the remaining arm wedged between my bandanna and my helmet.

I'm not going to start listing what I'm eating because, again, boring, but I can tell you it will consciously involve more vegetables.

That is all. Have a nice day.

What's My Motivation? (with a happy ending)

So, I just go the proofs from the photographer and all I can think is who is that person? Am I really an amazon with a tiny head but giant face? Do I really have that stupid look on my face all the time? Why do I go out in public? Is despising the way you look in photos a good reason to want to lose weight? Does being motivated by self hatred make a goal any more attainable?

It seems like such a shame to waste the talent and time of the photographer and make up artist.

And then I start to sink into "well, no wonder I'm single" but that's just self-indulgent and stupid because what you look like has little to do with whether someone will love you.

What's the saddest is that this is what I felt like every day 20 years ago. And it still flares up. And it still sucks just as bad. And it's still so much harder to change what's in your brain rather than what's on your body.

bah.

---

Edited to add that after this I biked to the beach and swam for 45 minutes. My mood is much improved. Nothing a little sweat, some endorphins, and the rush of cold water from the sea won't cure.

Passport To Prana & Studio Review

My friend Stacey and I recently bought Passport to Prana cards so that we can take a free class at 37 yoga studios around Boston (probably fewer than 37 since we'll mostly likely skip the hot classes.) We went to our first one yesterday.

I had been to Healing Tree Yoga in Quincy before, a few years ago. It's just slightly too far and through too much traffic for me to go to it regularly but it's a nice studio. Clean and well lit, but without lockers for your things so people's bag clutter the edges of the room. It doesn't have the nice cork flooring or high ceilings that my usual haunt has, and when class first started the air was absolutely still and I wondered what people have against a nice breeze and some fresh moving air.

Thankfully as class went on, an Anusara class, the instructor turned on the fans and the air since we were working quite hard on our Kali energy. It was a great class - with lots of grounding standing poses, and a fun trip into Wild Thing, a sort of upside-down down dog + side plank + back bend. I could tell during class how much stronger I've gotten these past few months. We also did some more dhanurasana, bow pose,

The class I went to a few years ago had an instructor who stayed up at the front of the room and basically did her yoga practice while we followed along. I don't like this kind of class since if I just wanted to watch someone and not receive any assistance I would do a DVD. In Nikki's class yesterday (as in other classes I've taken of hers) she'd demonstrate a pose for us, and then walk around the room checking our poses, offering suggestions, rooting our hips back into their sockets, reminding us to pull the head of our arm bones back and not letting us just hide in the back of the room to go through the motions.

It was the perfect class for a Sunday morning.

Today is slated to be hot and muggy, thank goodness I'll be in the office in AC all day! Hopefully a thunderstorm will roll through and cool things down later.

Noga

My yoga teacher is out of town this week and even though there is a sub, I'm skipping Level 2 today because it just wouldn't be the same. I'm going to work on the house, on getting rid of all clothes that are not flattering or don't fit or that I don't wear. I will be ruthless.

I got new photos taken for work yesterday. It was very fun. I was feeling good after a yoga class, then I went and got my hair done. I love having my make up done. There is something so soothing about having someone brush and dab at your face for half an hour (except the mascara part which almost made me puke for some reason) and then you look at yourself in the mirror and your face is smooth and flawless and radiant and you look like a news anchor woman. I immediately wanted to buy all of the make up that made me look like that, but I didn't.

Then we did some head shots, and went outside for some more photos. Here's me and me with the photographer and the make up artist. What a fun day!

Please note, my face is not usually that color. It's just the extra makeup for the photos.

These Are Better Days

...better days are shinin' through.

That tricky Universe.

I decided to go to lunch time yoga today. I can't go tomorrow night and I figured that it would be a good complement to my bike ride. Well, when I got there the teacher announced that a photographer was coming to take some pictures for a magazine. Eek! My hair! No, actually, I thought "Cool, maybe I could be in a photo doing my sweet yoga moves."

And sweet moves we did. After warming up we decided that headstand might look nice, oh how about some urdva danurasana (upward bow), some ustrasana (camel) perhaps, a nice janu sirsasana (head to knee), and paschimottanasana with our feet together. Oh, and my new supta padangusthasana in which my angusta is in my hasta. What fun to just play around with our favorite poses. And have the photographer (who said she could do padmasana/lotus because "Oh, I'm 19" which gave us all a laugh) saying "wow, that is so cool."

I really hope one of the photos of me makes the cut. What fun that would be.

And then I went shopping, again, for things for my summer wardrobe. I went to the right store, with the amazingly helpful and funky ladies, and came away with 8 pieces that I feel and look fabulous in. Albuquerque mind, indeed, as Sylvia Boorstein puts it.

But it’s a sad man my friend who’s livin’ in his own skin
And can’t stand the company
Every fool’s got a reason for feelin’ sorry for himself
And turning his heart to stone
Tonight this fool’s halfway to heaven and just a mile outta hell
And I feel like I’m comin’ home

~Bruce, of course.

What shall we do tomorrow? The bike seat is fixed. Maybe another ride? What are you doing tomorrow?

10.5

I said I would and I did.

The bike is going to the shop for a visit today. I rode the hybrid since the roads were wet, but I forgot that the seat post sinks about an inch as I ride so I had to stop 3 times to adjust it. I put it in the back of the SUV right after the ride, and I'll take it to the shop after work to see if they can fix it.

I can't say that the crankiness is entirely gone, but I can say that I will go out with a renewed vigor today to find some shirts/jackets for my photo shoot. Visualizing the perfect thing usually works, so I'll try that before going.

Maybe it's the barometric pressure?

Resolved

(Photo source. Tittibhasana)

Ok, this is my resolution. First. I'm going biking tomorrow. I've set out my biking clothes, and will prep the coffee and set my alarm for 5am and get up and bike. 13 miles will bust this funk out. (Ha. I said bust.)

Second. I am getting rid of the shirt I wore today. I realized that every time I wear that shirt it makes me feel like crap. So it's leaving. Along with it's cousins, the Dumpies.

Third. I found a bunch of websites that cater to the large bu sted woman and I've ordered some shirts. We'll see. Bravissimo, Carissa Rose and AJ Rumina. I also found the Red Violet Project which is a woman attorney starting a company to make clothes that fit women like me. Maybe my dream of creating Tits and Asanas, my yoga clothes line for women with bra sizes Danurasana, Down Dog, Eka, Firefly and Gomukasana, is more doable than I think (These ideas are mine all mine. Do not steal them. Or maybe the line is called Tittibhasana.)

Fourth. I think 3 resolutions is enough. Well, really there are only 2 resolutions and one random paragraph. Although I do know that I need to get on my yoga mat on the days I don't go to the studio, I'm not quite ready to resolve that yet.

Also, I think that there must be people who feel at home in their body no matter what the size. I envy those people. Just like I don't spend time thinking about arm hair or my nose or scarring. Maybe I'll just think about my nose and how it never crosses my mind and start there. Strangely (or not) I used to be really bothered by my arm hair in high school. And I also hated my body 40 pounds ago. I would really like not to consider it at all.

And I still don't know what I'm wearing for my photos on Friday.

Some Days

Some days I feel at home in my body and love it. Today is not that day. Today I am annoyed and bothered and wishing either that my body was a very different shape, or that there were more places to buy clothing for the well en dowed woman. Some place to get shirts that aren't too short, that have a waist and don't look like a muumuu. Apparently those shirts that do exist cost around $100-150 and are mostly oxfords or shells to wear under a suit. I think oxfords are uncomfortable and I don't wear suits. Although maybe I'd find them comfortable if they were made to fit me, and maybe I'd wear shells and suits if they actually fit.

Why can't I just have a normal body that can wear cltohes off the rack? Ha. I said rack.

Then I just start to think "oh, it's because you are fat. If you lost weight things would fit you."

I am also wondering why I cut my hair off and thinking that it's either too long or too short but it's just not right. Or I don't know how to do it.

And I'm wondering why I'm getting my pictures taken on Friday when I take pretty much the worst pictures in the whole world. And am full of body hate.

And I know I should be appreciative about what my body can do and not what it looks like, but I'm not there right now.

I keep making changes and having weird regrets about them. And they aren't things that I think would change my life and I'm then disappointed that my life hasn't changed. They are just things I want to change. But maybe slightly underneath I think that if my hair is shorter or I have a new computer at work or my office is rearranged something else will change. But it doesn't. Only the thing that has changed has changed.

This shall pass. I hope. Or maybe I can pass it if I get on my bike or my yoga mat.

Yang and Yin

Last night my physical exertion finally caught up with me and a sleepy blanket of exhaustion came over me. I lazed on the couch with the Boy and watched a movie.

Yoga yesterday was awesome. The morning class was the perfect level of exertion and just what I needed to stretch me out from the bike ride. We practiced wheel with a strap around my upper arms to help me keep them in, and then once I was up the teacher pulled me up further and forward so I could feel where I'm going. I love those adjustments. And in paschimottanasana (seated forward bend) she gives me this amazing assist to where my face is almost on my shins and my hands were fully past my feet, clasping at the wrists. She even adjusted me in savasana, tucking my shoulder blades under, pulling my arms and legs gently out, and then pulling on my head slightly. It's pretty much like a massage during yoga.

After class I hurried to the farmer's market to stock up on hummus, pasta, kohlrabi, and cauliflower then ate lunch, changed and went back to the studio for the yin workshop.

Yin yoga is essentially holding floor poses for 5-7 minutes to promote deep release in the connective tissue. The quieting Yin, to counteract the active Yang. I can't say it was "enjoyable" since even pigeon pose starts to be uncomfortable after that long, but I think it was good for my body and my mind. And defintely a contrast to the Yang of my bike ride and morning yoga class.

Today I met my mom for a walk by the ocean. I almost rode my bike there but figured I'd give my poor sit-bones a rest for another day. We walked for about 45 minutes, slowly, and enjoyed the breeze. She pointed out to me the spots on her arms where she'd had pre-cancerous lesions removed recently as we both put on SPF 30 sunscreen. I need to be much more mindful of reapplying throughout the day if I'm biking. My shoulders are burned and that's not good.

Later I ate ice cream for lunch (homemade from a little store in town, Grape Nut. Yum.) along with some hummus and pita and an amazing cheese thing from the hummus stand with apricot preserves. Then I watched 87 episodes of Bones and did what felt like 13 loads of laundry, interspersed with opening and closing windows depending on whether it was violently raining or not.

Now I'm eating 2 bowls of steamed cauliflower with olive oil and shoyu, and sauteed kohlrabi and garlic scapes. I think that counts as my 5 veggie servings for the day.

I'm going to fold the clean sheets, revel in the fact that every item of clothing I own is clean and set out my yoga clothes for the week, along with a set of biking clothes just in case.

It was fun to figure out what my body could do this week, and to keep pushing it just slightly beyond where my mind thought was possible. I aim to keep that up. But tonight I aim to just lie here and watch more TV. Just a little more Yin before the Yang of the week kicks in.