Stress

Today was a stressful day, but has ended well. Lots of work to do, and last minute tax stuff to deal with. But, since my word of the year is "AWAKE" it is good to pay attention to my stress and my money stuff and deal with things head-on. So I did. And because I had again planned my meals in advance, there was one less thing for me to think about.  

Breakfast, after about 20 minutes of a self-led yoga practice, was raisin bran and milk. I had an orange before yoga, which was much better than having cereal first, so my stomach was not all sloshy during down dogs. 

Lunch was similar to yesterday: 1/2 cup brown rice, 1/3 cup pinto beans, 2 cut up hot dogs, and a few ounces of roasted aspargus from last night. 

Dinner will be cooked by The Boy: grilled ham, cheese and tomato sandwiches and a beer. Or two. 

My brain is tired now and I'm leaving work. 

A Return to the Kitchen

I've returned to the kitchen. The last few weeks (2 months) have again been riddled with the worst anxiety I've ever known.  I am hoping it is under control now.  And when you are dealing with adrenaline coursing through your veins, or where ever it courses, almost constantly, the last thing in the world that matters is how much you weigh. I would have taken 30 extra pounds to have felt better.  A side affect of all that anxiety was a complete aversion to food until I had to eat for fear of passing out - at which point I would try to eat something dense in calories like pizza or bread and butter.  There was about a week where I was eating nothing until dinner, and even then I was only getting about 800 calories.  And I didn't eat a I wasn't cooking, I wasn't preparing lunches, food was a chore, something to be choked down to keep me going. 

So, my weight loss has remained steady, maybe down a few pounds.  My exercise has mostly been walks with the dog, in between thunder and lightening storms.  (We are waiting for one to end now so we can head out.) The dog hates thunder, so she and I have been on a steady dose of Rescue Remedy.  I spray it in her water, and put it in mine. 

But today I bought groceries, and cooked them and ate them! I bought kale and froze it since it seems to wilt quickly, and cucumbers, zucchini, purslane which has more omega-3 fatty acids than any other vegetable, and chicken and bacon and yogurt. I got all the vegetables at the organic farm for $10.00.  What a bargain. 

These are the lovely pot stickers I made tonight:
The insides are ground turkey, ginger, garlic, egg whites, soy sauce, hot sesame oil, finely shredded napa cabbage (I used the food processor) and a few leaves of kale finely shredded. Broccoli minced in the food processor would be good, too. I got the little pot sticker maker in my stocking when I was young. I thought it was kind of odd at the time, but it turned out to be one of the best presents ever.
Here they are waiting to be put in the pan. The batch makes a lot. More than I can eat at once, so the rest I make and freeze on parchment paper, and then I put them in a zip-lock bag. They can made cooked from frozen, so they are a very easy, fast and healthy meal. And very fun to make.

Here they are sticking to the pan. First they are cooked with a little oil to get brown, then you throw in a 1/2 cup water and put the lid on so they can steam and cook for about 10 minutes, then you remove the lid to let the water all cook off. I just drizzle a little soy sauce on them, but I suppose you could make some sort of fancy dip.
They are one of my favorite meals. Other than the fajitas. But thinking about it, they are pretty similar to the fajita in that they are a meal all wrapped up in some sort of flour based container.  And they have kale in them. 

I have a feeling the dog and I will be walking in the rain tonight. But there are worse things than rain.  

What I've Been Up To

• Swimming on Saturday. Biked about 8 minutes to the beach and had a lovely swim. 
• Walking and trying to Swim on Sunday. Walked about 20 minutes to a different beach with the family, more waves and wind so not as much swimming. 
• Trying (and I believe succeeding) to get anxiety under control.  That sort of made whatever shape my body was in sort of irrelevant, which was why I haven't been blogging.  I've maintained my weight loss so far, but just not lost anymore. 
• Meditating on a semi-regular basis.
• Being very busy at work. 

I haven't kayaked this year yet, which is something on my list. And I haven't hiked yet. But I am working on my internal fitness as well as my external, and I have definitely been climbing some very high mountains in my mind!  

Alright, off to do my morning pages and to sit for a bit. 

Sunday Second

I walked for a hour. It was a very nice walk, and I realized that for most of June I did not walk. If worrying and anxiety burned calories, I'd be set, but it does not, and is not healthy. I need to stop letting how I feel dictate what I do. I need to just get up and walk even when I feel like hibernating. I need to move on my yoga mat and sit on my zazen cushion even when I am afraid of what might come up. I need to go see my acupuncturist a few more times.

I did some yoga tonight - a yin yoga practice of holding the poses for a while. It felt good to stretch, even though it can sometime bring up emotional things that I've been storing way inside my joints. It also made me sleepy, which is a nice side effect.

Dinner was a pork loin chop, pan seared, and then I stir fried a bunch of chopped asparagus in the pan drippings. Very very tasty. I should have made some brown rice for lunches, but I'm so sleepy now that I think I will go to bed soon.

Now Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Program

I have not forgotten about my little blog. Nor have I forgotten to eat mindfully and move often.  I have just been having some intermittent, but at times rather taxing, anxiety about work things, which I know will ultimately make me better at what I do and stronger.  However, the effect of the anxiety (in addition to the 1 a.m. wake-ups, pounding heart, distractedness, etc.) is that I didn't want to be blogging, or outside exercising too much. So I didn't.  I walked on some days, meditated on other days, did a lot of house chores, tended my little garden, got my kayak out of the shed into the sun, and tried to remember that everything is exactly as it should be.

Now that the heat of last weekend has passed (which completely threw off my Sunday cooking) and now that I have blogged again, I think I can keep doing it. And I will retake my measurements. The scale seems to be holding steady at around 176 173, and my smaller clothes are still fitting, which is good. I do need to get back to my regular habit of lifting weights and doing sit ups.

I had decided to take Friday's off of work, but what I've decided to do today is take the morning off and get some things done at home, and then go into the office in the afternoon to bill a few hours and then meet my friends for a drink after work.

So, that's where I've been and where I am.

The Stress Diet

Work just sucks right now. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother trying to be an attorney with my own practice when I clearly have no idea what I am doing half the time.

Anyway, I made myself eat breakfast this morning since not eating it was screwing up my days. It was my standard oatmeal breakfast and was good. Then the stress of the day cut off my appetite, so I just picked at my salad (arugula, chickpeas, avocado, fresh mozzarella, olives, tomato) so that I didn't pass out during my new client meeting (they hired me, and I actually do know what I'm doing on their case so that's a plus.)

I'm going to try meditating later. There are some workmen showing up at my house tomorrow morning at 8am which messes up my morning routine since I will have to be showered and pretty much ready to leave by then.

Wednesday Report

I was awake last night, or rather, this morning from 1 - 4:30 a.m. I then slept until 7, so no walking this morning. But, I did sit and meditate for about 20 minutes which helped resolve some of the issues which woke me up.

I realized at 10:40 this morning that I had forgotten to eat breakfast. Then I had a client meeting and just started lunch at 12:30. I had brought the last of the lentil/rice pilaf with a bunch of broccoli, but only the the broccoli appealed to me, so that is what I ate. And some Fage 2% with peach yogurt. Seems odd that yogurt and broccoli can get me this far into the day, but maybe the pizza from last night provided whatever fuel my body needs right now.

No scale change this week. But I continue to keep my eating on track. I have slacked off on the exercise. My goal was 1600 minutes this month, and I'm only at 1100. I haven't been tracking the daily 15 or 20 minute dog walks, so it might be higher.