Strange Epiphanies

Sometimes I'm riddled with anxiety. I could say it was brought on by this or that, but really it lives in my brain along with joy and calmness and elation and sadness and everything else. And sometimes it just bullies its way to the front of the line and says "I'm in charge here! There is danger lurking and I must warn you all what might happen. And remind you of all the things I thought would happen last time. And prepare you to fight fight fight! or perhaps die die die!" It puffs out its chest and grabs its spyglass (it is quite dramatic) and wrestles the wheel from me (we're on a boat, stay with me here) and proceeds to try to steer with one hand while scanning the horizon wildly for the Very Bad Things that are surely out there. And my little boat that was sailing along is now keeling from side to side, hitting waves the wrong way while my anxiety (who I think must have been hitting some sort of bottle while he was below deck) steers the way.

And the little quiet emotions like contentment, happiness, curiosity, joy, and bravery get sea sick and slink down to their bunks to nap and puke. And I hang on and humor the anxiety and try to remember what I'm supposed to do when he's there behind the wheel. Mindfulness? Now? When there is Danger Ahead?! And where was this ship going anyway? And why?

So that's where I found myself today, green on the deck of my little ship and in a government office with my lawyer uniform on picking up some papers. The type of government office where you think everyone will be mean. And not helpful. And rude.

And yet. And yet. Every single one of them was nice. The receptionist, the people who walked through the waiting room and asked if I'd been helped, the woman behind me talking to a recipient of their services who was so nice to her I about burst into tears, the supervisor who came out to help me. Every single person was nice. As though that was their job. And with each bit of kindness that surrounded me, the boat got a little steadier, anxiety loosened his grip on the wheel and stumbled away (spyglass in hand, just in case, but lowered a bit), the map got a little clearer, the journey a little more sure, and I took hold of the wheel again to steady our course.

Kindness. That is the reason for our journey. Not the sort of kindness where I let my ship crash upon the rocks so someone else doesn't need to move, but the kind where if I need to send a letter to someone who hasn't done what they need to, I can write the letter kindly but firmly. If I need to say to someone, "please get off my ship, I have not given you permission to board" I don't need to kick them in the balls while I say it.

Why kindness made the anxiety dissolve is unknown. But just as I try not to question it when it comes, I don't question when it leaves either. It's part of my journey, but it's not the destination and it is not the captain of this ship.

When You Just Don't Feel Like It

This was what kept me home from yoga last night (and off my mat at home). Also, I think my couch's gravitational pull is stronger some days than other. I'll blame the random 2 a.m. wake up for skipping the 8 a.m. yoga class today. But I did sign up for 9:30 even though I don't really feel like going. It will get me out of the house and on with my other errands.

I need to practice at home more. If I am really serious about wanting to progress to the more difficult poses, I need to practice at home. (This is what I wrote this morning before leaving for yoga class.)

Then this is what we did in class.

And I actually did it! (Photo source. Bird of Paradise pose)

And this, crane pose. Which was awesome and strong. I try to remember Sadie Nardini when I do crow. I like her cues.

And 8 Crooked Limb Pose.

(Both from YogaJournal.com)

It was an awesome class and I felt good and strong. And so glad I went. I think I'm out of my yoga funk where I felt like I wasn't doing anything fun and challenging.

And we worked on my chaturanga to up-dog, I had been dipping down way to far and then couldn't get back up (but also couldn't stop before I got down too far) without putting my thighs down. My teacher now has me only going down as far as I can while still maintaining control in my arms, and then flipping into up dog. This means my chest is high off the ground, but it feels like I will progress better this way, and my alignment feels better too.

We'll see what tomorrow morning brings, and whether too many Jelly Belly jelly beans improve my practice or hinder it.

Bummer, Dude.

(My niece, when she was a baby.)

I'm having one of those days where I want to hold a baby and sniff its head and have it lie there sleeping on my chest. And then return it to its parents after 15 minutes or so.

One of those days filled with little annoyances and small (well, medium sized) disappointments that just start to weigh on you a bit. Forgotten soon enough, I suppose, but here with me today.

And I'm reading this book about finding husband after 35 using techniques learned at Harvard Biz School, which is hysterically funny, sad, frightening and intriguing all at once. Apparently if I follow her plan I should have a husband in 12-18 months. Except that her Program (yes, its referred to as "The Program") involves setting aside 10-20% of your income to go towards your "marketing," making telemarketing calls to every single person you remotely know to see if they know any single people, finding a "mentor" who has 2 hours a week to spare helping you with The Program, and then devising a series of tests for your man once you find him just to make sure he really is the right one. One of the tests she suggests is asking him to help one of your friends move. Seriously.

In the spirit of that book I took myself to a Spanish wine and cheese pairing class last week, since, you know, that's where single men hang out. Actually, it's where lesbians and other single straight women looking for single men hang out. But the food was amazing, the wine was fantastic and I got a tour of a cheese cave (which doesn't really look like a cave.) And the cheese monger had dreamy eyes.

If you are lucky I'll share some of my adventures in this realm from time to time, just so you don't get bored on my journey to forearm balance and handstand.

There are thunderstorm warnings tonight. Maybe a nice storm and the change in barometric pressure will blow these bahs out of here.

What's My Motivation? (with a happy ending)

So, I just go the proofs from the photographer and all I can think is who is that person? Am I really an amazon with a tiny head but giant face? Do I really have that stupid look on my face all the time? Why do I go out in public? Is despising the way you look in photos a good reason to want to lose weight? Does being motivated by self hatred make a goal any more attainable?

It seems like such a shame to waste the talent and time of the photographer and make up artist.

And then I start to sink into "well, no wonder I'm single" but that's just self-indulgent and stupid because what you look like has little to do with whether someone will love you.

What's the saddest is that this is what I felt like every day 20 years ago. And it still flares up. And it still sucks just as bad. And it's still so much harder to change what's in your brain rather than what's on your body.

bah.

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Edited to add that after this I biked to the beach and swam for 45 minutes. My mood is much improved. Nothing a little sweat, some endorphins, and the rush of cold water from the sea won't cure.

The Cranks

The crankies have set in. I know what it's from. Some things at work that are nudging at me, but will be finished soon. The feeling of being utterly alone at times. The waiting on the new living space. The sore hip. The sore knees (where did those come from?) The fat. Bah.

I'm having the urge to get rid of all my stuff. Or at least start packing it all up even though I'm not moving until September.

I want something different. I want something new. I want something other.

But for now I'll go take a shower and go to work. And finish up old things and make a plan for something new.

Giving Up

I have somehow gained 5 pounds. My net loss for this last month of work and dedication: plus one pound. Nice.

So, I'm giving up. No, I'm not giving up yoga (except for tonight since my calves have been killing me all day after my hike yesterday, which is making me walk funny and further bothering my knee), or hiking, and I'm not giving up my healthy eating, but I'm giving up weight loss as a goal. Because, really, it's a stupid goal. Of all the things I want to do, my weight has nothing to do with them. And having that be the thing that I'm thinking about and getting discouraged about just isn't productive. And I weigh the same whether I work on it or not.

These are the things I want to do, and you'll notice that none of them require me to be 30 pounds lighter:

1. Figure out what the twinge in my knee is from & how to make it not get worse,

2. Continue working on my arm strength,

3. Get up into hand stand,

4. Get up into forearm balance,

5. Get up into wheel pose,

6. Hike at least 2 weekends a month,

7. Go rock climbing,

8. Climb Mt. Washington again,

9. Climb a smaller mountain than Mt. Washington,

10. Walk the Camino de Santiago in Spain and then stay here. Not because I'm particularly religious, but because I think walking across Spain and then staying in a lovely old renovated hotel would be awesome. That's a long term goal. Maybe when I'm 50.

I made these cookies and they are awesome. And healthy - almond butter, oats, whole wheat flour, maple syrup, yum!

Overturned

I went to yoga class this morning. It was supposed to be a mixed level vinyasa class, but I was the only one there so she asked what I wanted to work on. I told her I was trying to do inversions (headstands, etc.) and I wanted to work on those. And so we did.

We started out with warm up poses, opening shoulders and back, spinning the triceps in, aligning hips. Then we worked on forearm balance prep, which is insanely hard. And some dolphin pose. We did headstand, which I like and am good at, and a shoulderstand which is one of my favorite poses. She said I looked very peaceful in it.

(Photo from Yogajournal.com, link above)

There was a lot of laughing, and adjustments to my poses, and going deeper into forward bends (with hamstrings trying to say "I can't!" and me saying to them "yes, you can, relax") and a general feeling of amazement at what my body can do. Even though the stupid scale says I've gained 5 pounds in 6 days. Which cannot possibly be right.

Then I went to lunch at a lovely locavore place and had pate and wine and mushroom bisque.

I almost went back to the evening restorative yoga class tonight, but decided to lie around and feel sorry for myself for having no friends.

When I lived in California and was single, my mother wanted me to join the Appalachian Mountain Club (hiking, etc) because she thought I'd meet someone. Except that I'm not a joiner and just felt really uncomfortable on the few outings I went on.

Well, apparently I'm back in that phase because I just signed up for some trail clean up thing happening tomorrow. At least it will get me out on the trail, and hopefully I can find some work gloves to wear, and some long pants that aren't yoga pants.

And we'll see whether I go, or decide I don't have the right clothes for trail work and I hike by myself or I go to yoga and attempt Level 2/3 vinyasa flow which says:

These classes will contain consistent practice of deep back-bends, inversions, arm balances and challenging variations while honing deep concentration, including pranayama and more subtle perception of the body-mind. Classes include discussion of yoga philosophy. Long holds combined with flowing practice.