Monday, June 28, 2010

What's My Motivation? (with a happy ending)

So, I just go the proofs from the photographer and all I can think is who is that person? Am I really an amazon with a tiny head but giant face? Do I really have that stupid look on my face all the time? Why do I go out in public? Is despising the way you look in photos a good reason to want to lose weight? Does being motivated by self hatred make a goal any more attainable?

It seems like such a shame to waste the talent and time of the photographer and make up artist.

And then I start to sink into "well, no wonder I'm single" but that's just self-indulgent and stupid because what you look like has little to do with whether someone will love you.

What's the saddest is that this is what I felt like every day 20 years ago. And it still flares up. And it still sucks just as bad. And it's still so much harder to change what's in your brain rather than what's on your body.



Edited to add that after this I biked to the beach and swam for 45 minutes. My mood is much improved. Nothing a little sweat, some endorphins, and the rush of cold water from the sea won't cure.

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