Some Days

Some days I feel at home in my body and love it. Today is not that day. Today I am annoyed and bothered and wishing either that my body was a very different shape, or that there were more places to buy clothing for the well en dowed woman. Some place to get shirts that aren't too short, that have a waist and don't look like a muumuu. Apparently those shirts that do exist cost around $100-150 and are mostly oxfords or shells to wear under a suit. I think oxfords are uncomfortable and I don't wear suits. Although maybe I'd find them comfortable if they were made to fit me, and maybe I'd wear shells and suits if they actually fit.

Why can't I just have a normal body that can wear cltohes off the rack? Ha. I said rack.

Then I just start to think "oh, it's because you are fat. If you lost weight things would fit you."

I am also wondering why I cut my hair off and thinking that it's either too long or too short but it's just not right. Or I don't know how to do it.

And I'm wondering why I'm getting my pictures taken on Friday when I take pretty much the worst pictures in the whole world. And am full of body hate.

And I know I should be appreciative about what my body can do and not what it looks like, but I'm not there right now.

I keep making changes and having weird regrets about them. And they aren't things that I think would change my life and I'm then disappointed that my life hasn't changed. They are just things I want to change. But maybe slightly underneath I think that if my hair is shorter or I have a new computer at work or my office is rearranged something else will change. But it doesn't. Only the thing that has changed has changed.

This shall pass. I hope. Or maybe I can pass it if I get on my bike or my yoga mat.