Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Some Days

Some days I feel at home in my body and love it. Today is not that day. Today I am annoyed and bothered and wishing either that my body was a very different shape, or that there were more places to buy clothing for the well en dowed woman. Some place to get shirts that aren't too short, that have a waist and don't look like a muumuu. Apparently those shirts that do exist cost around $100-150 and are mostly oxfords or shells to wear under a suit. I think oxfords are uncomfortable and I don't wear suits. Although maybe I'd find them comfortable if they were made to fit me, and maybe I'd wear shells and suits if they actually fit.

Why can't I just have a normal body that can wear cltohes off the rack? Ha. I said rack.

Then I just start to think "oh, it's because you are fat. If you lost weight things would fit you."

I am also wondering why I cut my hair off and thinking that it's either too long or too short but it's just not right. Or I don't know how to do it.

And I'm wondering why I'm getting my pictures taken on Friday when I take pretty much the worst pictures in the whole world. And am full of body hate.

And I know I should be appreciative about what my body can do and not what it looks like, but I'm not there right now.

I keep making changes and having weird regrets about them. And they aren't things that I think would change my life and I'm then disappointed that my life hasn't changed. They are just things I want to change. But maybe slightly underneath I think that if my hair is shorter or I have a new computer at work or my office is rearranged something else will change. But it doesn't. Only the thing that has changed has changed.

This shall pass. I hope. Or maybe I can pass it if I get on my bike or my yoga mat.

1 comment:

sarah said...

So many beautiful women have these feelings. Just realize that they are conditional, and will pass. Your body is a gift in which you can experience this life -- with all its wild and roller coaster moments! Even the changes are temporary and conditional-- hair grows, desks clutter and move on their own...

Inside there you are a core of being that is breathing in and breathing out ... whole and full of possibilities in all directions. Those yucky feelings are in there from something... but there is nothing in that body of yours that deserves all that self-loathing. You just might not believe that you are truly a miraculous and amazing being. Judgmental mind is the toughest thing to let go of... we think its useful for some reason...

I so feel your disgruntled upsetness... have been there so much of my life too. For so long could not get ready-made clothes to fit well. So we aren't factory made and deserve to add lovely things one at a time until everything we have is a lovely thing. (I shop in thrift stores myself... )

Hoping you have a good ride/yoga session and feel the wind, inside and outside you and know you are not to be judged...