We did handstands yesterday in yoga class. I had gotten to class early and the teacher thought I was going to be the only one in class so she asked what I wanted to work on. Handstands! And not just so I can be like Kathryn Budig and do handstands every where I go. Well, maybe a little bit.
There was one other person in class, a woman with a fused spine who is very strong and adventurous despite her physical limitations - so she's a good person to be in class with.
We did lots of plank, dolphin, down dog - building up strength in our lats, and arms. And trying to push back up from chaturanga, which I still can't quite do. But my arms are getting so much stronger.
Anyway, I was trying to do the handstands at the wall, kicking up from down dog and it just wasn't happening. I had no confidence, no momentum (which I still need at this point) and no success. So, while she was working with the other student on half handstand (where your legs are at right angle to the floor and are flat against the wall) I left my mat and just started kicking up into a handstand in the middle of the floor like I used to when I was 5. And soon enough, there I was on my hands. So, I went back to the wall, kicked up, touched the wall and stayed up for a few breaths, feeling just how strong my arms have to be to keep me up there. Then I kicked up again to make sure I could do it.
Of course I have a million miles to go on this journey, but I now feel like I've seen where I'm going and can visualize myself there. I can practice in my yard, against a tree or on the grass. I can practice kicking up with the other leg, I can trust that my wrists and lower arms will not in fact crumple under my weight (yes, that was a big part of my fear of getting up into handstand.)
My hip & sciatic pain are gone. I went in for a half hour massage yesterday morning. Just the right amount of time for my magician of a masseuse to get all in and around my hips and relax and separate the muscles, and generally improve the state of things. My right bum is quite bruised from the acupuncture & cupping, and my right back thigh has a dark bruise the size of a quarter - that must be the point where I nearly jumped off the table. Lots of things going on back there apparently. Thankfully thong bikini season is a long way off.
And lastly - I seem to have gotten so comfortable with things being uncomfortable that when things start to go right and I feel safe and secure (because work is steady and good, housing situation is falling into place) I get nervous and want to cry. Because I think it can't last, it must end, there's no way I can feel that at ease before something goes wrong. But I am allowed to have things go right. There is no shoe that's going to drop. There is not need to balance out the good by having something go wrong. It's possible for life to be easy and profitable and lovely and full. It really is.