Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Cracks

“Do you know why you love those bowls?” she asked, as I gathered them to my breast, the large one, pale yellow with cream colored stripes, and its two smaller companions, pale yellow with cream colored dots. “Why?” I asked in reply. “Because they are from France.” And it was true. I did love them. She could see that. She had loved them when she bought them while living in France as a girl. The large one had a chip that someone had filled in, like a poor dental repair. “Don’t crack, don’t die, don’t leave me” it said. “I can’t easily replace you and don’t want to imagine life without you. Not yet.”

He and I had come to this yard sale, this house sale, one afternoon. Back when I was trying to keep up the fa├žade that I meant something to him. That he meant something to me. That there was something. “Don’t crack, don’t die, don’t leave me. Not yet.”

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Writing Again

I have these candles in my fireplace, 5 of them, different heights, that I light in the evenings, and again in the mornings before I sit and meditate (which I've been doing for 2 days now.) Anyway, I light these candles and then when I blow them out I make a wish for each one, like a birthday candle. I sometimes wish things for other people - let that work out for her, puff. Let them be happy, puff. Smoke tendrils wander up the chimney.

Then I wish things for me - let this happen, sputter. The flame flickers and doesn't want to go out. I give more of the same breath, it has to be the same breath, and it goes out. Is it a tenacious wish that requires more air? A message that I should reconsider whether that is something that I truly want? A sign that my wish is being denied? An indication that that candle is farther away than the first two and therefore requires stronger breath?

The house is quiet. And slightly chilly. 67. Is that chilly? I forgot to turn the heat up when I came in. I can hear the fridge cycling on and off. No cars. No children outside. No one else is home from work yet.

I will get up, turn the heat on and light the candles when the daylight dims.