Beets, Butter and Mountaintops

Cracks

2011-11-02T06:15:00.001-04:00

“Do you know why you love those bowls?” she asked, as I gathered them to my breast, the large one, pale yellow with cream colored stripes, and its two smaller companions, pale yellow with cream colored dots. “Why?” I asked in reply. “Because they are from France.” And it was true. I did love them. She could see that. She had loved them when she bought them while living in France as a girl. The large one had a chip that someone had filled in, like a poor dental repair. “Don’t crack, don’t die, don’t leave me” it said. “I can’t easily replace you and don’t want to imagine life without you. Not yet.”

He and I had come to this yard sale, this house sale, one afternoon. Back when I was trying to keep up the façade that I meant something to him. That he meant something to me. That there was something. “Don’t crack, don’t die, don’t leave me. Not yet.”

Writing Again

2011-11-01T15:36:00.003-04:00

I have these candles in my fireplace, 5 of them, different heights, that I light in the evenings, and again in the mornings before I sit and meditate (which I've been doing for 2 days now.) Anyway, I light these candles and then when I blow them out I make a wish for each one, like a birthday candle. I sometimes wish things for other people - let that work out for her, puff. Let them be happy, puff. Smoke tendrils wander up the chimney.

Then I wish things for me - let this happen, sputter. The flame flickers and doesn't want to go out. I give more of the same breath, it has to be the same breath, and it goes out. Is it a tenacious wish that requires more air? A message that I should reconsider whether that is something that I truly want? A sign that my wish is being denied? An indication that that candle is farther away than the first two and therefore requires stronger breath?

The house is quiet. And slightly chilly. 67. Is that chilly? I forgot to turn the heat up when I came in. I can hear the fridge cycling on and off. No cars. No children outside. No one else is home from work yet.

I will get up, turn the heat on and light the candles when the daylight dims.

Ordinary Heartbreak

2011-06-25T20:19:00.004-04:00

Photo: author's own. Book: this. Number of black fly bites after this nap: 17.

It's funny sometimes, when you realize how utterly ordinary heartbreak is. When you are sitting in yoga class looking at your toes and realizing that if you tried to put what (and who) broke your heart into words it would just sound so ordinary. So plain. There was this person, and these things and then there wasn't and now I feel like this. What is the story there?

You realize that at the moment your heart is breaking (which comes when you are still for a moment) the hearts of approximately 870 million people are breaking as well. And yours matters to you, for those few minutes while the waves come in again, just as theirs matters to them. But you also realize that while your heart is breaking the hearts of most everyone else in the world are not breaking.

And you realize how perfectly ordinary, and how exquisitely painful it all is. And how the only way out of it is to get through each day, feeling whatever it is that comes up. And how there is no other way. And how there is no magic thing that someone can say or do to make it better. And how people 100 and 200 and 300 years ago felt this same exact feeling and the world just went on.

Self Portrait

2011-06-15T16:32:00.000-04:00

For whatever we lose(like a you or a me)
it’s always ourselves we find in the sea ~ e.e. cummings

In the Shop

2011-05-18T13:58:00.003-04:00

My car was in the shop yesterday. It had been running funky and was kind of scaring me when I drove to my workshop with Patricia Walden on Sunday (more on that another day). I could have kept driving it with the weird revving, or non-reving and just "off-ness" but I realized that if I just took it off the road for a day to get fixed, it would be much better in the long run. And I wouldn't have to worry about breaking down on my way to a conference on Friday.

We've had lots of days of gray drizzly skies here. I've been feeling off. So I'm taking myself off the road today. I thought I'd work from home, but I think I'm just going to not do that. I'm going to just chill. Maybe do some yoga. Maybe read. Maybe make enchiladas. Maybe write some stuff on a yellow legal pad.

Tomorrow I'll be back on the road. With the danger of a breakdown averted.

Hiding

2011-05-10T19:51:00.005-04:00

The floor needs sweeping. The dishes need putting away. The coffee needs prepping. The clothes need setting out. The dishwasher needs loading. The lunch needs packing. The junk mail needs recycling. The bed needs making.

A most lazy evening on the couch reading blogs and emails and the newspapers. My introvert recovery time. The quiet, brain resting time I need after last evening was spent on a client conference call, and then some difficult client interactions today. And the prospect of being out tomorrow night networking (with people I love, but it still saps my energy) and then out Thursday night at yoga.

So, tonight was time to crawl inside my little shell (or onto the safe boat of my couch), skip yoga, lose myself in the vast wasteland of words, and just not be present for a bit.

And I'm ok with that.

"We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy." ~ Pema Chodron

A Meeting With Future Me (and a very large beet.)

2011-05-08T16:16:00.004-04:00

(A giant beet next to a normal lemon. The beet was about the size of a baby's head.)

I had a little meeting with Future Me today. She's been getting word of all the changes I've been going through and wanted to give me some feedback. Actually, when I make changes in my life now, her life changes. Sometimes in small ways, sometimes in big ways. It's good since she's from the future and knows stuff.

1. Keep doing yoga. She said this is very important. For my physical health and my mental health. She said when I started doing this, and kept up with it, she instantly felt better, stronger, fitter, younger, happier.

2. Keep up with the mindful eating. She said when I started doing this it made a big difference. In my physical health and my mental health. Funny how those things are connected. She said eating what I want when I want it and feeling what I feel when I feel it is a really good idea.

3. Keep moving into the discomfort. Putting off or avoiding uncomfortable things doesn't make them better. Keep on moving towards those things. It will be so much better in the long run. And the short run. And the middle run.

4. Save a little more money. Where you can, when you can. Just squirrel it away.

5. Speak your truth. And live it. Really. It's the only way to be.

6. Keep making enchiladas. They will get better in time.

These were a mix of chicken, pinto beans and corn with some enchilada sauce and tomatoes with green chilies. Then a little cheese. They were good but could be improved. A few will be going in the freezer with some rice and collards for me to take to lunch later. I think Future Me will be pleased.

I Feel Lucky

2011-05-08T12:30:00.003-04:00

I'm sitting here on a gray Sunday afternoon, there are birds chirping outside, I just (mindfully) ate some poached chicken with a glass of milk (vegetables will come later), and I'm reading another Geneen Roth book, Lost and Found: Unexpected Revelations About Food and Money, and thinking about my life and my relationship with money and food and suddenly I'm struck by how lucky I am.

How lucky to be alive to have this day.

How lucky that I have discovered people like Geneen Roth, and Tara Brach and to have the chance to improve my relationships with money and food and myself during this lifetime.

How lucky and blessed I am to have a body that functions and moves me places, a mind that is still functional.

How lucky I am to be filled with peace, not because every thing is fine and will be fine, but because whatever happens just happens. And then more stuff happens. And that is how life just goes on. And I'm so blessed to be here for it.

You have to be alive...

2011-05-07T16:58:00.004-04:00

in order to eat burgers like this.

In order to do so much yoga that your hands start to show it

in order to see all the cherry trees that line the streets of this town. In order to sit in your car and read with your feet hanging out the window and the sun on you. In order to lean forward on your yoga mat and kiss your own knees. In order to stand next to people you love and laugh.

And when people die because of bad choices, stupid decisions and utterly preventable actions it makes me just so sad for all the things they will miss. All the things their family and loved ones will miss while blinded by grief. All the things the world will miss.

And it was to all them that I dedicated my yoga practice at the workshop today.

lokah samastah sukhino bhavantu (May all beings everywhere be happy and free and may the thoughts, words and actions of my own life contribute in some way to that happiness and to that freedom for all.)

Sometimes...

2011-05-05T20:30:00.003-04:00

...the people who annoy me horribly the first time I encounter them, end up being really cool. Like the heavy breathers from my yoga class on Tuesday. It was just the 3 of us in class tonight (and thankfully I was far away from them) but we ended up staying a half hour after class to chat with the teacher about anatomy and shoulder girdles and alignment. Nerds unite!

...I wonder where in the heck my brain comes up with things. Like when my key stuck in the door tonight and my brain flew to "oh, the landlady must have changed the locks and evicted me for some reason. I suppose I am homeless now." Yes, because that's likely. Seriously. What happened to make it skip over "psst, try the other key." It passes in 15 seconds maybe, but why does it even go there?

... I watch the Biggest Loser and cry over the proud parents and people who've succeeded at their goals.

...I listen to the Sarah McLachlan song about being a train wreck waiting to happen and waiting for someone to come pick you up off the tracks and I wonder if that's an enjoyable way to live life or if you just lie there for a while and realize no one is coming to pick you up and you should just really get up. Probably best to not lie down on the tracks in the first place. Also, the husband who used to come pick her up off the tracks? Yeah, they are divorced.

...things like this go through my head.

Intuitive Eating Tuesday

2011-05-03T20:26:00.003-04:00

So, here's how my experiment with intuitive/mindful eating went on Tuesday. Intuitive is the "eat what your body wants when you want it" part, and mindful is the "be there when you are eating it" piece.

Breakfast was raisin walnut toast with almond butter. Intuitive score: 90%, I was hungry and it was what I wanted. Mindful score: 50%, I ate it at the couch while reading blogs, but I did stop a few times and notice the texture, smell, etc. Suggestion: go back to the dinner table.

Lunch was prepared at home and brought to work. It was the rest of the broccoli soup poured over the remains of some Annie's mac & cheese and grassfed burger from last night. It was actually very good. Intuitive scale: 90% it was what my body wanted - carbs, veggies, some protein. Mindful scale: 50%. I ate it in front of the computer at work while writing a blog post and then left it for a while while I met with a client. Suggestion: go eat at the little round table in your office. Try eating half the meal there.

There was no snacking at work and lunch left me satisfied. I think bringing ice water helped.

Around 4 I had a snack of the heel end of the raisin bread, and a piece of cheese and a pear. Intuitive scale: 80%, it was what I wanted and I was a bit peckish but I had to eat it at 4pm since I had yoga at 5. Mindful scale: 50%. I ate it in my car, slowly, but while toodling around on my phone. Suggestion: get out of the car and sit on a bench and eat.

Dinner: I got home from yoga at around 7 and checked in with my hunger. Not hungry. Had a beer. Intuitive: 100%. Mindful: 90%. Beer is yummy and the post yoga beer is a good one. Waited to see if I'd get hungry. Decided to have a pear around 8 (probably hunger and a little thirst.) 8:30pm. Slight hunger but everything in my house involves cooking so I'm going to just have a glass of milk. While sitting at the table. Being present with it.

"You can have the other words-chance, luck, coincidence, serendipity. I'll take grace. I don't know what it is exactly, but I'll take it. "
— Mary Oliver. My favorite poet, talking about my word of the year for 2011.

My Other Yoga Teachers

2011-05-03T19:21:00.004-04:00

I have wonderful yoga teachers - Fay, Mary Alice, Kate, Nikki, Tamara. They are wonderfully trained and thoughtful teachers and I learn so much from them. I look forward to their classes and can't wait to learn what they have to teach me.

And then there are the other teachers in my yoga class. The woman who comes in late and plops her dirty mat down next to mine. The woman who sighs and heaves through every pose (which is often a different one than the rest of us are doing.) The other woman who comes to class doused in Jean Nate' perfume.

I thought about whether I should try to learn something from these people. Tolerance. Acceptance. Whatever. They should respect the practice of yoga enough to get to class on time, not wear perfume, clean their mat and shut the eff up while they are breathing.

Intuitive Eating Monday & Removing Labels

2011-05-02T13:11:00.007-04:00

Breakfast was served at the kitchen table, sans computer, but with my book. Baby steps people. I did pause and become aware of my raisin toast, the smell of the almond butter, the crunch of the bread, the taste of the milk.

Since I was going to be out of the house for lunch, I had to figure out what to do about the "eat what you want when you want it" since I was preemptively trying to figure out what I'd want. I packed some broccoli soup (with extra broccoli!), 2 slices of olive bread, and a piece of cheese. Chances were high that I would want those things when I got hungry because they are tasty and awesome.

I was right. I got hungry for lunch around noon, and heated the soup and ate it with the bread and cheese. I did eat in front of my computer. And I would say my mindfulness level was about 60%.

It's about an hour later and I'm noticing some slight hunger. I'm also noticing that my lukewarm water is not very appealing, so I fetched a cold bottle from the work fridge. Probably bringing a bottle with some ice in it and keeping it in the fridge will be a good plan going forward.

I have an apple here, too.

There are some deadlines coming up for things that have consequences and I'm a bit fuzzy on some of them and waiting for responses from people has my stomach feeling weird, and my mind going on about things. Making room for and acknowledging those physical sensations and thoughts and moving forward with my work and commitments. The same way I feel the physical sensation of pain and tingling in my arm and hand (not heart attack type) and acknowledge it and move forward. And call the acupuncturist again.

I'm trying to move away from "Oh god this is so stressful" towards taking the label off of things and looking at the ingredients. "Stressful" is the label of something, like tax time. But if you take the label off and look at the ingredients you'll see: due date, paperwork, gathering of information, necessity of hiring professional for assistance, financial outlay, increased financial outlay and increased communication from government entity if due date not respected. You also see that you can deal with each one of those ingredients, and some of them are only optional and within your control.

The same way I try to move away from "Oh god I'm anxious." I just pull of the label and look inside - yeah, your stomach feels weird, your heart is beating faster than normal, your arms feel heavy your mind is alerting you to Danger. WTF else is new? Seriously. Enough of that shit. I've got a life to live.

"You want to cry aloud for your mistakes. But to tell the truth the world doesn't need any more of that sound." — Mary Oliver

How To Wash Your Yoga Mat

2011-05-02T08:24:00.000-04:00

While this post was inspired by one of my classmates who uses a once light blue mat, which is now streaked with brown dirt streaks, I'm sure there are more of you dirty-mat folks out there. This post is a tutorial in how, and why, to wash your yoga mat.

First of all - the Whys.

1. Your feet. They are dirty. Even if you showered. Did you go barefoot into the bathroom? Did any of your class mates? Did you walk anywhere a shod foot has fallen? Did any of your fellow barefoot yogis? Those little dirty birdy feet are the thing that most touch your mat.

2. Your mula banda area. If it's anything like mine by the time you are in paschimottanasana you've got a sweaty undercarriage. And now it's all over your mat.

3. Your tears. I know I'm not the only one who has ever cried on my mat. Although tears are clean. But still.

4. Your face. When your face hits the mat in child's pose, or maybe even upavishta konasana if you are lucky, how many days worth of feet and butt is it touching? When you kiss the ground, is it clean ground? (I know I'm not the only one who's kissed my yoga mat when I get my face all the way to the ground...)

5. Do you roll your mat? You've just rolled up hair (gag) and dust and ick onto the clean side of your mat. After class, fold it in half so dirty side touches dirty side and then fold gently a time or 2 more. Also, wiping it down with a damp cloth is nice too.

6. Saucha. Purity of the body. One of the niyamas of yoga. I think it also covers purity of the yoga mat. It is also why one should shower before yoga practice.

Your mat is your scared space. It is not like hiking shoes where the dirtier is the better and gives you street cred. Your yoga mat should be pristine, not covered with street crud. And while you may be proud of the sweat and tears (and blood?) that have fallen there, you do not need to let them stay on your mat in order for them to be imprinted on your soul. Everything is impermanent, but some of it needs our help to wash it off.

Now the How. I wash my mat every Sunday. It's a little ritual and comes after a tough Saturday class, and a frequently tough and sweaty (and at a gross studio) Sunday class.

Plop your mat into the bathtub.

Turn the water on. Hot or warm please.

Use a nice natural soap, this one smells like mint. And is the same kind my yoga studio uses. It smells so good! You can also just use plain water, or some baking soda, too.

You are using all your senses here. The smell of the soap. The sound of the water. The feel of the mat under your hands, the feel of your legs kneeling on the floor.

Spritz a few spritzes of soap into the tub.

After you've put the soap on it, get in there with your hands and scrub it, both sides under the running water.

Continue to scrub the mat with your hands, keeping the water running and rinsing it well.

You should be tired now from all the leaning and the scrubbing. Stay with your task. You are bathing the baby Buddha.

Now hang your mat on a drying rack in the tub, to catch the drips. It will be dry by morning.

Alternate method: shower with your mat after your Sunday yoga practice.

Do you wash your mat regularly? Will you start now?

Intuitive Eating Sunday Part 2

2011-05-01T14:23:00.005-04:00

2:15 The Mindful Banana. Did some cleaning and then sat to read more of Women, Food and God. Noticed myself getting hungry. Waiting a bit to see if it was actual hunger. Did mental calculation of food eaten today to see if I "should" be hungry. Decided to have a banana. Ate the banana mindfully - sitting at the table. Looking at the slices (I eat my bananas sliced with a fork.) Smelling it. Feeling it. Then decided to try the same exercise with chocolate chips. Put 10 chocolate chips in the dish. Smelled them. At them one by one, noticing eat one and what it tasted and felt like. And what I felt like as I ate it. Ate a small piece of chedder cheese the same way. Took about a half hour to eat those 3 things. Then had a big glass of ice water.

Thought - this mindful eating takes a long time. How will I do this tomorrow? What will I pack for lunch? Will I look freakish if I do this in front of other people. Note to self: come back to the present moment. Be here now. Also, eat what your body wants when you are hungry. And stop when you've had enough.

What does your body want? When have you had enough?

6:30pm. Home from Restorative Yoga class. 2 hours of bliss ending with a head and neck massage. Having a fresh squeezed grapefruit juice with some Bacardi Gold. Heated up broccoli soup, and made 2 runny fried eggs (from my sister's chickens) to put over some rice. A few chocolate chips for dessert. My belly feels just full enough.

I think my body was deprived of vegetables yesterday, which explains all the broccoli soup. And I began thinking of the runny eggs over rice in a bowl during yoga class.

I ate what I wanted when I was hungry. And now that I feel like I've had enough, I'm stopping. Which I guess is the point.

Intuitive Eating Sunday Part 1.

2011-05-01T10:48:00.009-04:00

In which I live blog my Intuitive eating experiment.

Morning, coffee because I love it and it brings me joy. After about an hour I had a slice of raisin walnut bread with almond butter. I thought about how I had 2 loaves of bread delivered on Wed. and they are each about half gone. I thought about how glad I was that they are both still fresh since that's not giving me the "I must eat these fast so they don't go stale" thoughts. The toast was good.

11am. Packing the car up to go to the dump. Feeling a little hunger. Thought "I'd better eat something since I'm leaving the house." Thought about what I wanted, a glass of milk. Sat and drank the milk. Thinking that I'm probably also thirsty so I packed a water bottle to bring on my errands.

11:30 Errands done and back home. Feeling hungry. Had a glass of ice water while I thought about what I wanted. I have 4 broccoli stalks that need to be used. I'm making cream of broccoli soup from Joy of Cooking. All 4 stalks used. Realizing that if I want to eat at the table instead of the couch I have to clear the table and figure out where important papers and binders go.

An inhospitable table, with binder with work stuff, a book for my niece, AAA membership renewal, a sweater, a make up bag, a cookbook, some headphones, and of course the requisite pink piece of construction paper where I write down how much I weigh.

Cleared the table and actually found proper places for everything. Including lunch.

12:29 Done with lunch. I sat at the table with a bowl of soup, and 2 slices of olive bread. The soup was very good. I noticed while I ate what it tasted like, and how full I was feeling. Things I normally don't notice when I'm eating while being on the internet or watching a show. I realized that I wish I'd left more large pieces of broccoli in it, so after eating I added more chunks to the soup, for next time I eat some. Right now I feel 70% full. Comfortable, but giving it some time. My senses feel satisfied. My body feels fueled. My refrigerator feels happy to not have so much broccoli in it waiting to be used.

12:48 Had a second bowl with more broccoli chunks. Now I am 85% full. Still comfortable but not hungry for more. My stomach and my mind are done eating.

Plan for the rest of the day: clean, restorative yoga at 4, eating what I want when I'm hungry. Feeling what I feel when I feel it. Radical.

Books and Food and Yoga (And washing your yoga mat.)

2011-05-01T08:38:00.004-04:00

I recently started reading Women Food and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything by Geneen Roth. It's a bit similar to the other book I'm reading Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha. Both emphasize the importance of being present, practicing acceptance of thoughts and feelings and not running away from them and things like that.

Women, Food and God made me think about all the reason I eat (and not necessarily overeat) other than being hungry:

Convenience. It's morning and time to go to work, so I have to eat breakfast since I'm not going to bring a toaster and almond butter to work work.
Because I'm going to yoga or on a bike ride and need to fuel up so I don't keel over during class or on my ride.
Because I'm going out with friends and even though I'm not really hungry now I have to eat otherwise I'll end up having to eat bar food when I get hungry and that's gross.
Because I'm going out with friends and I need some bread in my stomach since I'm going to have drinks.
Because I'm at work and bored.
Because I'm thirsty and don't realize it.
Because the food tastes good.
Because the restaurant gave me a big servings and I just keep picking at it.
Because it's meal time.
Because meal time is a long way off so I'll need a snack to get me there.
Because I just got home from work.
Because I need reach a certain number of calories or points for the day.

There's probably more.

Anyway, yesterday I decided to see what it would be like if I just paid attention to what my body wanted when it wanted it. Here's what I ended up with:

Pre yoga, 8am: slice of raisin walnut bread with almond butter.

Post yoga (driving to visit family. Per W,F & G you aren't supposed to eat in the car, but this was mindful eating) 11am: apple.

At my mom's around noon: piece of cheese and some Annies Cheddar Bunnies.

In someone's yard listening to a band, around 3: a beer.

At my sister's house before leaving to drive home: slice of cold pizza.

At home, before heading to a friends 6pm: slice of olive bread.

At my friend's house 7pm: glass of wine, a few tortilla chips with corn & bean salsa.

At nice restaurant, 9pm: lobster cakes over spinach. Yum. A grapefruit & vodka drink. Also yum.

Apparently if left to my own devices I will eat bread. I didn't feel overly hungry or overly stuffed at all. I was surprised to find that even though I hadn't really had lunch, I wasn't hungry until 4 or so. I had thought we were going to dinner at 8, but when we got there at 9 I wasn't wanting a huge entree. The lobster cakes were the perfect little thing. And I realized that we can go back again earlier if I want something else from there.

I realized that I sort of do the same thing with yoga, doing it sometimes for reasons other than just wanting to do it:

Because now is class time.
Because I won't be able to get to class over the next few days so I should go now.
Because this teacher only teaches at this particular time so I should go.
Because I don't want the teacher to feel bad if the class is smaller because I'm not there.
Because I should.
Because it's good for me.
Because I never regret going.
Because it's what I do.
Because I'm working on a pose and want to get better at it.
Because the studio is closed but I feel like I should do something at home.

Granted, doing yoga when I don't feel like it doesn't lead to feeling sluggish like eating when I'm not hungry does. But it can lead to a sloppy practice. I went yesterday morning due to reasons 1, 3, 5, and 6. I was sleepy. My arm hurt. The woman next to me arrived late and has a light blue mat that is streaked with brown dirt streaks. And she doesn't shower before class. I spent nearly the entire class distracted by how much she bothers me. I wanted to tell her not to be afraid to wash her mat. Or her hair. Although it appears she runs a flat iron through it before class. She wears $300 worth of lululemon to class and won't wash her mat. Or at least buy a darker colored one so the class doesn't have to look at her dirty one.

I decided during class that I don't actually have to go on Saturday mornings if I don't want to. I can find the teacher on Thursday nights at another studio. I won't be as sleepy and I think it will be less crowded.

Intuitive yogaing. Like intuitive eating. An experiment for the week.

Do you eat when you aren't hungry? Do you do yoga when you don't want to? Do you wash your mat at least once a week?

Weekend Practice

2011-04-24T19:06:00.004-04:00

Saturday and Sunday classes are usually the hardest days. Saturday because it's level 2 with a very good teacher, and because I'm usually out later on Friday nights. This past Friday night found me sitting at an adorable restaurant eating a cheese plate at 10:30pm, so I was sleepy for class. And freezing due to the weather. By the end of it I was awake and properly warm. We worked towards bird of paradise. I was the hatchling version - still curled a bit and wobbly on my feet. More practice of aparigraha (non-attachment to the outcome.) Then I took a 2 hour nap later in the day. Heaven.

Today's formal class was cancelled on account of Jesus rising from the dead, so I found a Shiva Rea DVD for some flow. She's a bit hard to follow, but the flow was fun and creative and I did about 45 minutes. After that I practiced my inversions. Still trying to get all the parts working together to hold me up away from the wall. I might need my teacher to not help me balance, but to watch while I try to do it and give me pointers - hips forward (or back?), toes up, hug in, core in, claw the ground. Something.

The funny thing about this one - this was at the end of a long line of attempts, I said "I'm done" with resignation and then there I am - up, for a few breaths.

Surrender. Aparigraha. And learning lessons that keep coming, since I clearly need to keep learning them.

The Secret Is At Your Fingertips

2011-04-22T11:37:00.004-04:00

Today's class was so lovely. Some nice strong vinyasas to start with. I finally realized that if I dig in with the tips of my fingers I can counter balance my weight when come down from plank to chaturanga and go much slower and actually hover in chaturanga. Who knew the secret to yoga was at my fingertips? (And if they knew, why didn't they tell me sooner!)

We moved into hand stand, where again I tried using my finger tips (in addition to bandhas and core) to balance away from the wall. Working on it. Then on to forearm balance, better balance on that one. I just love that pose.

Now I'm at the office working on slides for a presentation. Hoping the yoga brain settles down a little so the slides don't turn into "just do yoga, it will solve all your problems."

Side Effects of Yoga

2011-04-21T08:37:00.002-04:00

My lululemon groove pants are getting too big. I wash them in hot water and put them in the dryer until the cows come home, but all Saturday morning core planks have left them suitable only for home practice. Are there tailors who can tailor groove pants?

We won't speak of the 3 pairs of Ann Taylor pants sitting in my closet fresh from the dry cleaner that shant be worn again, lest we inflict on the world a case of Dumpy Bum and Baggy Crotch. Or the J Crew cords that fit me for a fleeting moment before my bum disappeared into the Sag.

Good bye, dear pants, I loved you well. And I will love your smaller siblings, too, just as I have learned to love all those core planks on Saturday mornings.

Fifteen

2011-04-20T07:05:00.004-04:00

I put my weight into the Weight Watchers online tracker this morning and was rewarded with a bouncing star which meant that I had lost 15 pounds! (15.2 to be exact.) I have a ways to go but I am practicing aparigraha, which is the sanskrit word for non-clinging. I'm not clinging to the weight, and I'm not clinging to an outcome. I'm not clinging to the fact that 2 summers ago I was a lower weight than I am now. I'm just doing the things I need to do each day that keep my body healthy and happy and properly fueled. I'm just doing this for myself.

Last July I posted about How I Lost Zero Pounds With Yoga (and more). It's true. I didn't start losing until I joined Weight Watchers and really cut back on my food intake (and moved out of the house I hated.) What yoga does do is make all my pants too big even if the scale isn't moving much. And it makes biking better and easier. And it makes life better.

Yoga last night was lovely. We stared with some core work that my teacher loves, then moved to gomukasana (cow pose) to open our shoulders and then worked on pincha mayurasana. My right shoulder felt very good in it, and the teacher helped me balance for a bit. One of my favorite things is watching my friends get up into pincha mayurasana. (Shout out to Sprouts!) It is such a gorgeous pose and too see other people float up into it just brings me such joy.

I have a dozen and a half eggs in my fridge from my sister's chickens, and some asparagus and kale. I'm envisioning a fritatta for dinner. Lunch - leftover chicken and rice from Pa, along with the remaining bits of amazing potato salad that he makes with homemade mayonnaise. And some cut up oranges. Breakfast - english muffin with almond butter and banana.

Fathers and Daughters

2011-04-19T12:23:00.004-04:00

I went to visit my dad yesterday up in Maine. He lives in a little cabin in the woods and my sister and her 2 children and I went to see him. He was busy cooking for us when we arrived.

I showed him my video of my forearm stand with my feet on the table. "Wow", he said. Then - "you aren't supposed to use the wall."

I suppose one could get annoyed at that response, since my father can't do that pose at all, wall or not. But, I have realized that fathers are just humans, and not imbued with the magical ability to say and do the things we wish they would say.

And I know he loves me more than anything, even though he says "you aren't supposed to use the wall." Plus, he makes us homemade ice cream.

Now I Do This

2011-04-17T18:04:00.003-04:00

(The videos look stretchy, but when you hit play they will look normal)

Sometimes I do this now. I figured this out last weekend.

And when I can't balance yet in handstand or forearm balance I try to do things like this, and wonder why my back doesn't bend more, and why that hurts my shoulder so.

Over the winter I did this, at almost the top of a moutain

and looked like this before we got to the top when the weather was nicer.

I've also lost about 16 pounds, although with all the yoga my pants keep becoming too big even when the scale doesn't move that much.

And now that I've figured out how to post videos, I will probably blog more. Because on Saturday and Sunday nights I practice my inversions and tape them so I can see what is happening.

Run Down

2010-11-26T20:50:00.004-05:00

So I've been walking like crazy this week. I walked 5 miles yesterday. I just kept going. And every so often I felt like running. So I'd just start running until I stopped. Then I hack up a lung because it was like 30 degrees and windy and made it hard to breathe. Then I'd walk my little heart out some more. Then went back out last night for a half hour walk.

The night before I walked out the door and was hit by such a blast of cold air that I just started running and before I knew it I was half way down the street. Then I walked more. Then ran, then walked.

Today, my quads hurt. Like worse than mountain climbing. And my knees are wondering what I did. And my shins think something might be up. I'm trying not to blame it on age. But I'm thinking we'll take it easy on the running for now. Walking is just fine and I can get the bike out if I need speed.

But I walked 40 minutes tonight. It was so pretty and just the right temperature.

According to my little tracking system I have walked 535 minutes so far this week, and burned 4057 calories. Sweet. Let's see if we can get it up to 600 by tomorrow.

Thank heavens for my jacuzzi tub.

A Little Habit

2010-11-23T20:01:00.002-05:00

I seem to have developed a little habit. I don't want to jinx it but it appears that I go for a morning walk every morning at 7 (2 miles, 30 minutes) and then when 7 at night rolls around I'm back out for an evening walk (2 miles, 30 minutes, 1 flash light, 1 reflective vest). I have a few routes and they are all exactly the same length and take exactly 30 minutes no matter how slow or fast I think I'm walking.

It's nice. The air is nice now and I like walking in the dark at night. I like seeing the other people out. Soon I'll be able to start seeing people's Christmas lights. And walk when it's snowing which is so beautiful and peaceful.

On the morning walks I tend to plan my day and have epiphanies about work and look at the ocean. In the evening I look at the sky and make up pretend stories about my life and talk to myself.

I highly recommend it. All of it.

A Yoga Class I'd Like to Take

2010-11-20T19:04:00.003-05:00

Enough people in the room so the energy was good, but not crowded. Lights down. Gaura Vani and his band in the front. Harmonium. Drum. Chanting. Then the teacher, and this is the most important part, instead of shouting over the music or talking incessantly through each pose, acts like a conductor - silent, or maybe just whispering the name of a pose and then the students are free to get in it, explore it, breathe. But the teacher is quiet. Silent. Until "tree" she whispers and we find our trees. They sway, they stand tall. "Flow" he whispers and we go where our flow takes us, with the music. "Floor" they whisper. And we make our way to the floor. Bending forward and back, doing what our bodies want all the while the music is playing. "Still" they whisper and we lie there, while they come around and tuck us in and we listen to the music.

And then we all wake up and sing.

Things I Love

2010-11-18T21:14:00.002-05:00

That I can walk around the curve of the harbor to meet friends for drinks,
Friends who make me laugh and whom I make laugh,
Pomegranate martinis,
Walking home and seeing the lobster boats sitting on the water like they are on glass,
Seeing faint Christmas lights in the distance,
The air that is just cold enough to wear a jacket and scarf,
Coming home to a warm house,
Coming home.

Strange Epiphanies

2010-11-15T17:06:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I'm riddled with anxiety. I could say it was brought on by this or that, but really it lives in my brain along with joy and calmness and elation and sadness and everything else. And sometimes it just bullies its way to the front of the line and says "I'm in charge here! There is danger lurking and I must warn you all what might happen. And remind you of all the things I thought would happen last time. And prepare you to fight fight fight! or perhaps die die die!" It puffs out its chest and grabs its spyglass (it is quite dramatic) and wrestles the wheel from me (we're on a boat, stay with me here) and proceeds to try to steer with one hand while scanning the horizon wildly for the Very Bad Things that are surely out there. And my little boat that was sailing along is now keeling from side to side, hitting waves the wrong way while my anxiety (who I think must have been hitting some sort of bottle while he was below deck) steers the way.

And the little quiet emotions like contentment, happiness, curiosity, joy, and bravery get sea sick and slink down to their bunks to nap and puke. And I hang on and humor the anxiety and try to remember what I'm supposed to do when he's there behind the wheel. Mindfulness? Now? When there is Danger Ahead?! And where was this ship going anyway? And why?

So that's where I found myself today, green on the deck of my little ship and in a government office with my lawyer uniform on picking up some papers. The type of government office where you think everyone will be mean. And not helpful. And rude.

And yet. And yet. Every single one of them was nice. The receptionist, the people who walked through the waiting room and asked if I'd been helped, the woman behind me talking to a recipient of their services who was so nice to her I about burst into tears, the supervisor who came out to help me. Every single person was nice. As though that was their job. And with each bit of kindness that surrounded me, the boat got a little steadier, anxiety loosened his grip on the wheel and stumbled away (spyglass in hand, just in case, but lowered a bit), the map got a little clearer, the journey a little more sure, and I took hold of the wheel again to steady our course.

Kindness. That is the reason for our journey. Not the sort of kindness where I let my ship crash upon the rocks so someone else doesn't need to move, but the kind where if I need to send a letter to someone who hasn't done what they need to, I can write the letter kindly but firmly. If I need to say to someone, "please get off my ship, I have not given you permission to board" I don't need to kick them in the balls while I say it.

Why kindness made the anxiety dissolve is unknown. But just as I try not to question it when it comes, I don't question when it leaves either. It's part of my journey, but it's not the destination and it is not the captain of this ship.

Gold Stars!

2010-11-02T19:57:00.000-04:00

I'm handing out gold stars today. Just to myself since I'm the only one here, but feel free to award yourself some.

One for making my bed.

One for walking this morning.

One for voting.

One for packing a lunch (rice, roasted squash and plain tofu. Better than it sounds.)

One for having all my November bills paid. On time & in full!

One for having sore triceps from lifting weights.

One for tracking my food.

Big fuzzy things like being a good human being don't get gold stars. Those are a given and done because they are what you do. Like not getting money for good grades when I was in school because of course you got good grades, that's what is done.

And one for shutting the computer off at 8 p.m. and going to lift weights, write, and perhaps even sit.

Ends v. Means

2010-11-01T18:05:00.003-04:00

So I'm doing that thing again where I think "there's too much around the middle here, it's uncomfortable" and I start walking and lifting my hand weights and thinking about what I eat and tracking it. Etc.

But this time I don't have a scale. I am not measuring success by the scale. The scale is not the end, with the actions being the means. The actions are the end.

When I get up and walk in the morning - success!

When I take some time to pack my lunch - success!

When I come home and make wicked yummy tofu & veggie stir fry over rice instead of macaroni & cheese - success!

When I lift my hand weights at night - success!

When I pack my stuff and go to yoga - success!

When I sit at the table to have a meal instead of perching on the sofa with the laptop - success!

When I have my glass of water instead of a second beer - success!

Hmm, 6 gold stars for me today!

Every single day, multiple times a day, I can and am succeeding. Each of these things is an end in itself. I don't need to wait for one day a week to be told whether I've succeeded or failed. I certainly don't need a number to tell me whether I've succeeded or failed (and if I do, I'll look for that number on my client roster or bank account or Christmas card list) and I don't need anything to say "those things aren't working." Because anything that gets my feet moving and heart pumping works, anything that gets my mind and soul chilled out works, anything that gets more veggies in my belly works, anything that makes my muscles stronger works.

That's what's working well in my brain today. The things that aren't working so well shall be journaled later. After I clean the kitchen and have tea. Ooh, 2 more gold stars.

Un-retreating

2010-10-30T07:47:00.003-04:00

It's funny, once I started writing outside of this blog, I stopped writing here. Maybe this was my little haven to write in when I thought I didn't write?

Anyway, I spent a week at Karme Choling in Vermont at a writing retreat, getting to know my characters, myself, my retreat-mates, all that good stuff.

It was a strange, brain swirling time. Alternately feeling like a retreat, like rehab, like high school then back to a retreat.

Bookends

When I arrived, eyes open, heart half closed,

there she was. Ella.

Leading me up the stairs, down the hallway

showing me where we put our shoes,

explaining how to park the car

to make room for others.

Ushering me in.

And though she walked with me,

I knew it was a journey I was going to take on my own.

And when I left, heart open, eyes half closed,

there he was. Jan.

Leading me down the garden path,

familiar now beneath my feet.

Showing me where to wash the kale,

explaining how to put cold water on the wound

to keep the cabbage fresh.

Ushering me out.

And though he walked with me,

I knew it was a journey I was going to take on my own.

What happened in between is like a distant memory.

I know it will return,

but for now I let the pages lie still and closed,

between the bookends.

- me

More Home

2010-09-25T18:53:00.006-04:00

This was my entry way before. A shelf with shoes, since my shoes live by the door, and a basket for hats and gloves, and a thing on top for mail and apparently haphazardly thrown shirts. Lots of white. And the shelf was kind of dirty from having shoes on it all the time. I've been on the hunt for something to go there to hold shoes and coats and things, and not look messy. I thought about one of those large one piece things that has a bench/trunk, with hooks and a mail slot, but couldn't find one that suited me.
I was in my favorite consignment shop that has nice things at good prices and very high turnover (so if I don't find the perfect thing one day, I might the next) and I spotted this beauty. And I thought - shoes! hats! Perfect size! It had no middle shelf, but it did have pegs for a shelf, so I stopped at the lumber yard on the way home for a piece of wood (there would be no "oh, I'll just pile the shoes in there until I get around to finding some wood. There would also be no $8/foot cedar. Yet. This was $1.20/foot pine.)
Winter goods!

And here she is in all her glory. Looking much more elegant and refined. The big white shelf will be going to the "Boutique" at the dump tomorrow so some lucky family can find her and take her home and maybe paint her and put fun things on her.

And, this area of the house is the "career" area according to the feng shui bagua. I think the change was a good one.

I love pretty things.

And I write now. And I walk (two miles this evening.) And I bought a plant. And finally found the weird little light bulbs I needed for the stove, so all the lights in the house work. I am so at peace here. It makes me realize how living in the wrong place with the wrong energy for so long can almost crush your soul. And how a soul can store up all the good stuff it wants to do and wait until it's safe, and all the good stuff will be waiting when you are ready for it.

Messages

2010-09-20T20:31:00.005-04:00

From every little corner the message is coming "keep writing." From other people comes the message "don't stop." And so I will write and keep writing. And I will walk and keep walking.

I had my artist's retreat this weekend that I wanted. I wrote. I made a reading corner in the window where I sat and read. I wrote more. I went to the farmer's market. I walked in the dark. I made my goals book. I realized there is a book living inside me that is bursting to get out. I started writing that book. I wrote other stuff.

It's funny how living in the wrong place can suffocate so much out of you that you don't realize was there, gasphing for air, until you are gone. And it can come into the light and the space and breathe.

(And thank you thank you to my readers.)

Something there is that loves a walk

2010-09-18T18:06:00.004-04:00

I walk now. Two miles this morning. 3.7 this afternoon. By the beach, through the village, under the pines, around the Common, past the people who exclaim "what a day!" as we scoot out of the way of the cars on the too narrow roads.

And I write. Sometimes I write about how I have nothing to write about. Sometimes I write character sketches based off prompts from snarky emails I send to a friend about a photo on Facebook and I think "Oh, that's the beginning of a story!"

She had those same eyelashes in high school. The kind that can only be obtained by applying 5 coats of mascara and then pinching to make 7 large lashes.

Can't you see the story?

There has not been any napping as of yet, or trying out of the tub, or finding floor pillows or reupholstering or retrieving of the yoga mat.

There is too much to see to nap. But I found a beach that looks like the perfect place for a nap on a sunny winter's day when no one else is there. We could see about yoga tomorrow. My legs want to stretch.

My Plans

2010-09-16T17:40:00.003-04:00

Here is what I can choose from this weekend, the first in many during which I am not putting things into boxes, taking things out of boxes, carrying boxes up, hauling junk out or hiking up and down somewhere:

Having an artist's retreat in my home, which could consist of reading, writing (with prompts perhaps), putting up poetry in frames as art, walking around outside, drawing and making an effort not to drive anywhere except the bank to put some checks in. And going to the little cafe for coffee and maybe french toast.

Reupholstering a chair. Or at least making a muslin for the eventual reupholsterment. Or putting the new fabric over the old to see what it looks like.

Lots of napping (which I usually just think about rather than do, but it's nice to think about.)

Bring the yoga mat in from the car, roll it out and see what happens.

Go buy some large floor pillows for my reading nooks.

Try out the jacuzzi tub.

Finish the song I started writing last night. It's mostly done, except I have the word "across" in there twice, so one needs to go.

Not Settling Can Be Unsettling

2010-09-14T17:28:00.002-04:00

For a long time, I settled. I don't know why. Maybe I was too tired to fight for what I wanted. Maybe I thought I had to fight for what I wanted. So I just took what little scraps I found, not daring to look past them for more. The thought of not settling felt unsettling.

Like all the mud on the bottom of a pond would get stirred up. Even if it should be in order to get rid of the tires, grocery carts and rocks under there.

But this move to my lovely new space was not settling for anything. It was daring to want it. Doing the things I needed to do to get it. And getting it. And being here. And feeling amazing and free.

And feeling settled.

I'm Home

2010-09-12T19:49:00.003-04:00

I am truly home. In beautiful space. In a beautiful town. And at long last with the ocean once again 50 feet from my door.

I grew up above the ocean. Barely 8 feet of yard, a climbable cliff and a sea wall separated us all of my childhood years. I went to sleep to the faint sound of the waves crashing and woke up to the murmured shouts of the sea-mossers. I spent my summers running along the sea wall burning my feet on the hot boulders and swimming out to the "Big Rock" with my father. My bed was in a corner of the house that was all windows, and it was high, so I felt like I was on a boat. My soul grew out into that space to the horizon.

And when I left, my soul felt crowded. I felt like Edna must have when she wrote "Inland"

PEOPLE that build their houses inland,
People that buy a plot of ground
Shaped like a house and build a house there,
Far from the seaboard, far from the sound

Of water sucking the hollow ledges,	5
Tons of water striking the shore,
What do they long for, as I long for
One salt smell of the sea once more?

People the waves have not awakened,
Spanking the boats at the harbor’s head:,	10
What do they long for, as I long for—
Starting up in my inland bed,

Beating the narrow walls and finding
Neither a window nor a door,
Screaming to God for death by drowning!—	15
One salt taste of the sea once more?

~ Edna St. Vincent Millay

I was far inland for a while - Ohio, Sacramento, then back east to Somerville and Arlington. But still, too far inland. Then closer to the shore, but in the wrong place. A place I took out of fear that there was nothing else, and stayed there far too long.

But then, recently, I saw a place that my heart wanted. That I dared to want. That I got. And now I am here. In peace. In a place that beckons me onto the streets to stretch me legs and see the sites. A place that calls me out after dinner to walk along the shore, step down to the docks and run a hand into the water, yes, it really is there. To fill my lungs back up again with the salt air. To think "some day when I am very very old and dying, please bring me to the ocean and let me go." To wonder if that is morbid, and then realize, no, it's not. It's just love.

Sometimes when I see the mountains, I want to hug them. You can't really hug the ocean. But you can sit next to it and smell it.

Moving In

2010-09-09T12:30:00.006-04:00

It's beginning to look at lot like a home!

Movers came on Tuesday and moved me into my new home. Helper Mouse came and helped me unpack. Washer and dryer were delivered today (my first appliances!) and the Verizon guy is getting me set up with internet (borrowing the neighbor's until then. Thanks, neighbor!)

There are still boxes every where.

Here's what it looked like before:

Here's a slight after, at least enough to make it look habitable:

It's not nearly done, and there are a ton of empty boxes and paper to go to the dump (tomorrow!) and I have to buy a broom and dustpan and figure out where the pots and pans get hung and where to put a bunch of furniture and what the flow of the rooms is, and figure out where the art and lamps actually go, but it's getting there. And I'm waiting for it to stop smelling like someone else and start not smelling at all because it smells like me.

I've been pretty good in terms of keeping my head on and only once had a slight bit of embarrassment when an o.b. tampon fell out of some drawer the guys were moving and I had to surreptitiously pick it up off the ground. Smooth. I'm sure they didn't notice.

I love my kitchen, I love the breezes, I love the faint noises of the happy cooing baby and his parents that I heard early this morning, I love the birds in the tree and the crickets, I love my washer and dryer, and my stove and the tall ceilings and the space.

Urban Hiking

2010-09-05T07:17:00.002-04:00

I found myself in Cambridge yesterday afternoon after lunch with a couple of hour to kill so I decided to walk around for a while. I had on my Keen walking shoes with Superfeet in them so I knew my feet would be happy. And the humidity had gone away, so I knew the rest of me would be happy. I walked around for an hour or so, but when I got to Harvard Square all of the weird people were out - the ones who want to hand you a grungy piece of paper, the ones who want to talk to you, the ones who want to sell you something, and all the ones who smell like different things.

I found myself rather overwhelmed by the humanity and had to escape. Thankfully I came across this gorgeous, gated, brick-walled garden at Radcliffe Institute for Advanced Study, so I ducked in. There were a few other people lying in the sun or sitting on a bench, so I found a bench in the shade and lay down, watching the trees and the sky and the people. Wondering what things the people study there. Thinking about my mom when she was in college (she was a Cliffie, 'cliffe? However you write it. She went to Radcliffe. Back when the boys when to Harvard and the girls went to Radcliffe.) It was very quiet and dignified and relaxing there. So different from the scene a few hundred yards away.

That's all the hiking I'll get in this weekend, although a mountain bike trip is planned for this morning. The move preparations continue. The boxes are closing in on me and I scoot around my house like a hoarder must, turning this way and that to fit in between the boxes.

Coffee finished. Breakfast finished. Off to find biking implements before resuming the wrapping and boxing of things.

First World Problems

2010-09-01T20:33:00.004-04:00

I'm afraid my new apartment doesn't have enough closets to hold my winter clothes and linens and suitcases.

I don't know where I'll hang my pots and pans. And my back packs and my boots.

I don't know where my couch will go.

I don't have a couch. Or a sofa. Or a davenport. Or a chesterfield.

Somehow, I think it will all work out.

Wednesday Wonderings

2010-09-01T06:46:00.005-04:00

It's Wednesday, a longer weekend awaits (which I just realized), my stuff is all packed for my move and my mind once again turns north and I wonder where I shall take my boots next.

Then this morning I read Section Hiker's post about Mt. Passaconaway, part of which is apparently "psycho-vertical."

Which makes me wonder, is it psycho-vertical like Ammonoosuc Ravine?

Or more psycho because it's longer. I guess there is one way to find out...

However, I need to rethink the whole "get up at 3:30am and drive" thing. It sort of messed up my sleep for the next couple of days and I think it made me more tired on the hike up Kinsman. I might try to find a place to sleep up there if I decide to go. If I can ever figure out about camping, that will give me more options in the future, too.

The Lost Art of Poetry Memorization

2010-08-30T11:43:00.004-04:00

When I was in Junior High, we had to memorize a poem and recite it in front of the class. I, of course, chose the one that Ponyboy had read in the Outsiders, Nothing Gold Can Stay by Robert Frost.
Ever since then I've loved working on memorizing poems or stanzas that I love so that they are always in my head when ever I need them.

While visiting the Poetry Trail at the Robert Frost Museum in Franconia last week, I came upon another one which I wanted to live in my head.

Hyla Brook -

BY June our brook’s run out of song and speed.

Sought for much after that, it will be found

Either to have gone groping underground

(And taken with it all the Hyla breed

That shouted in the mist a month ago,

Like ghost of sleigh-bells in a ghost of snow)—

Or flourished and come up in jewel-weed,

Weak foliage that is blown upon and bent

Even against the way its waters went.

Its bed is left a faded paper sheet

Of dead leaves stuck together by the heat—

A brook to none but who remember long.

This as it will be seen is other far

Than with brooks taken otherwhere in song.

We love the things we love for what they are.

So, last night I worked on memorizing it so that I know it by heart. I read it aloud a few times (I think that poetry, like a play, is meant to be read aloud, so I always read it that way) then I listened to Robert Frost himself read it. At first I had the first part and the last part down, but kept forgetting the middle. I can usually picture words in my head so I made sure to look at each line. Then I wrote down just the first letter of each line to trigger the whole line if I got stuck.

It worked, and then I made dinner while saying it out loud over and over again. Then when I woke up this morning, I said it again. Now it's in my head, and can be taken out when I need a hiking cadence or something to cleanse the palate of my brain between tasks.

There are some Edna St. Vincent Millay sonnets that live in my brain, and I'd like to work on some more Frost poems. It's sort of like knowing a song by heart, you just do after a while.

Do other people do this?

Peak Bagging & Bagging a Peak

2010-08-29T16:50:00.010-04:00

Peakbagger (n): A mountain climber whose principal goal is the attainment of a summit, or a specific set of summits.

Bag: Slang, To fail to attend purposely; skip

The day started at 3:30 a.m. I was meeting my hiking partner at 4:45 (which we decided was the earliest hour that was decent) for the 2.5 or so hour drive from Boston's south shore to the White Mountains.

I had set my things out the night before so all I had to do was dress, have coffee, eat First Breakfast and go. First Breakfast was 2 blueberry waffles with almond butter and smooshed banana on them. And coffee. (Second breakfast eaten in bits on the trail was an english muffin with butter, almond butter and banana. Lunch, again eaten in phases was roast beef and cheese on ciabatta bread. Snacks, not really eaten, were chocolate chip cookies, chocolate chips & almonds. Emergency food, not eaten, were a few ProBars.)

My stuff consisted of: Keen Voyager Hiking Shoes with Superfeet Insoles which have solved my aching foot problems. Smart Wool socks and sock liners. My pack which has water, toiletry bag (TP, contact solutions, band aids, emergency blanket, chap stick, etc), windbreaker/rain coat, food (lunch & snacks), map, and Blizzard (the dog). Then the flowered bag has my wallet, phone, extra clothes to drive home in, the hiking book and other random stuff that I need but that doesn't come up the mountain with me. My Leki hiking poles live in the car.

The Plan: North and South Kinsman, via Mt. Kinsman Trail and Kinsman Ridge Trail.

We were at the trailhead a little before 8, and on the trail by 8:07. It's a gorgeous trail, woodsy and damp and covered in moss. There are 3 or 4 pretty brook crossings.

My hiking buddy and I have very different speeds on the way up, which seems to work. I hike with the attitude of "this moment is all that matters" and wanting to absorb and study everything around me. Like this mushroom that looked like a jelly fish.
Or this bear scat.
Often she'll be quite far ahead of me on the trail, but eventually we meet back up. We are each hiking our own hike, and I know there are people more my speed to hike with if I want that, and there are people more her speed if she wants that. But this seems to work. And, to paraphrase Robert Frost, people hike together, whether they hike together or apart.

On this hike especially I was feeling like I didn't want to "get" anywhere, I just wanted to be where I was, fully. I wanted to look at the trees and think about why some trees had fallen over taking their root bed with them, and why others had snapped over about 4 feet from the ground. I wanted to photograph every mushroom and write about it. And then sit by a brook and think about it.

This was probably my 5th time on Kinsman, a mountain I just love, and I just wanted to hang out with it.

We took the .2 mile spur trail to Bald Peak, where I was last Sunday morning at 7:30am the continued on.

At some point near the ridge trail I decided I didn't want to go to the summits. I'd been to them before, and really just wanted to sit by the pond. I suggested to Stacey that she go bag the peaks and I'd meet her back at the pond. We sat for a while at the junction and ate, finally seeing a lot of other hikers - day and thru - and grateful that our journey up had been mostly free of other people.

After eating I felt livelier so we hiked the .4 miles to the summit of North Kinsman. We didn't find the actual summit which is a boulder on the side of the path but we found the ledge that was past the summit for the obligatory summit photo.

And the obligatory Franconia Ridge Trail photo, with Lafayette, Lincoln and Little Haystack across the notch. We climbed those a few weeks ago, and seeing those peaks from a distance really hits home what a trek that was. This is one of my most favorite views in all the world.

We started off towards South Kinsman, a mere .9 miles away. Yeah, mere. Somehow there was a resurgence of black flies, and .9 miles is not really that close and I was done going up and so we decided to bag the second peak. I have no need to summit for the sake of summiting and with that we turned around and headed backs towards the cross roads you can see in the map near the Kinsman Pond Shelter.

Here, back in the bug-free shade we ate some more lunch, met a lot of dogs (including 12 year old Gidge waiting for a snack), wondered about people who hike with no map or with a case of beer , chatted with other hikers about our plans and then headed over to check out the shelter area.

There are some tent platforms, which I slept on years ago, and a shelter that was rebuilt in 2007, bigger and brighter than the one we slept in years ago (after we realized that our tent wasn't really waterproof). Blizzard is reading the shelter journal where thru-hikers leave messages, notes and poems. There was also a book about how they built the shelter - bringing in all the logs by helicopter.

The shelter sleeps 14 on 2 levels and has a bear-box for food and toiletries and a composting toilet near by.

Then we reached the pond, which is just past the shelter. And there we sat. There was a little family near us with the kids happily splashing and asking their mom "what was the outhouse like?" There were lily pads and dragonflies and the general wonderment of being at a lake that you can't see unless you climb up a mountain.
After our time of leisure we headed down, and made good time - about 2.5 hours. We figured our total mileage to be about 9 miles with our different side trails and wanderings and our total hike time to be about 7 hours. Our total trip time was 8 hours 8:07am to 4:07 pm (yes, really.)

Some homemade hummus made the trip home easier and my Superfeet made it so that this morning I woke up with no foot pain. Just to be on the safe side, I put them in a pair of my Keen walking shoes and wore them most of the day. They are like an orthotic or something, keeping my feet from falling inward.

Post hike dinner was just a few vegetable potstickers from Trader Joe's and then 10 glorious hours of sleep. Breakfast was kale, leeks and mushrooms with some eggs.

Also, my legs don't hurt today. They aren't even stiff. It's very nice. I did however, take a nap this afternoon. Which was also very nice.

Now to plan the next trail...

I'll Tell You About It Later

2010-08-22T19:39:00.006-04:00

Friday afternoon at Lake of the Clouds Hut, looking up to the summit of Mt. Washington.
At the summit. Freezing. I ran and put my gloves and coat on after this.
Looking back up on the way down. With my little pal in my pack. Notice the hat head.
Heading back from the summit to the hut. Mt. Monroe is the closest peak you can see.
Finally at the bottom, 11 hours later. Checking the map for some unknown reason.
A little 2.5 mile walk into the woods the next morning. Mostly flat.
Visited the homestead. Every time I look at this I cry.
Bald Peak on Mt. Kinsman at 7:30 this morning. I was up at 5am, at the trailhead by 6am and had a glorious solitary walk in the woods to this amazing site.

More pictures and details soon. Right now I'm just blissed out.

Biking Through the Heebie Jeebies

2010-08-16T06:43:00.005-04:00

This past weekend was my 20th high school reunion, which meant that the past week was filled with get togethers with friends from childhood and high school, very late nights up laughing (very late night on Saturday laughing and drinking) then lazing at the movies yesterday to recover from it all before going to bed early last night.

I did manage to squeeze in a yoga class on Friday morning (yay core), then a quick mountain bike ride on Friday afternoon. After yoga I stopped into a make up store for some powder and ended up letting the make up artist give me an entire made up face. Here you can see how well it held up through the ride. Notice the bronzed cheeks and the smokey eye. And the creepy bunker I'm standing in.

The place we bike was used as an ammunition depot during World War II, so it is full of creepy bunker and weird things. I often get the heebie jeebies while biking there, but it has good trails.

Can you see the bunker through the woods?

And the thing about the heebie jeebies is that they feed on themselves. So, even though you know that probably there is not a dead body around the corner, and there are not ghosts wandering the bunkers (some of which reminded me of concentration camps for some reason) the HJ's were throwing off my mad skilz and the ride felt sort of choppy. Add that to the fact that J. and I aren't the best map readers and kept going in circles... we've seen better days.

Then my late nights and the rum caught up to me and I felt too crappy to ride yesterday which meant I missed out on a 2.5 hour ride. Majorly bummed. But at least the next reunion isn't for 5 more years, and I'll write myself a little note to not have any rum and cokes. (This is how lame I am, I had one and then gave my friend half of the second one because it was too strong.)

Oh, and I found an apartment! I was going to write about it - telling you about all the ones I looked at, and the one I almost settled for and how I almost didn't even go look at this one because it was billed as an upscale, high end condo and surely I don't deserve to live in one of those, but then I visited it, and it was so right, and even though there were 8 other people looking at it she picked me! and it's across the street from the ocean, and has a fire place and central air and hard wood floors and gorgeous kitchen and is so perfect. But, I didn't write about it, so you'll just have to imagine that I did.

Big hike coming up on Friday. Trying to put last minute training plan into place.

Hike Report: Lafayette, Lincoln & Little Haystack

2010-08-08T17:57:00.007-04:00

The details: Up Falling Waters Trail to Little Haystack, Franconia Ridge Trail to Lincoln and Lafayette, down Greenleaf to hut, down Old Bridle Path to trailhead.

Total mileage: 8.9. Total time: 8 hours. (Yes, just call me Pokey.) Left trailhead at 9:30, back at 5:30. Climbed on Saturday.

I was very prepared for this hike (except for my flannel clothes that I usually bring for sweat and runny noses. Never forget these again.) I packed my bag, and my bag for clothes to change into and started out bright and early to pick up my hiking partner.
Almost 3 hours later, here we were at the trailhead. We were taking Falling Waters up, and Old Bridle Path down.
Everyone and their dog was out hiking on Saturday, along with half of the population of France (or perhaps Quebec). The trail was quite crowded at the beginning, with various dogs running back and forth, and people quite close to us. At the trail split, most seemed to go up Old Bridle Path while we went to Falling Waters, so that helped to thin things out.

We soon came upon a series of very pretty waterfalls (despite the fact that I'm not smiling in the photo.) The thing about pretty waterfalls, the trail on the side of the water fall is steep and rocky. Which we decided was much better to go up than down, and gave us a much better view of the waterfalls. We tucked our hiking poles into our packs and scrambled up and up.

Somewhere around this time I realized that I hadn't quite eaten enough for breakfast and needed some fuel. I was taking small bites of my ProBar since they aren't easy to eat, and snacked on some cheese sandwich. I should have sat and ate more. I think it would have made the rest of my hike more enjoyable and better fueled.
I do not hike fast, and my lungs were definitely feeling the climb. My legs felt fine and it was frustrating that my lungs and heart did not seem to be cooperating. My speed was about 1 mile per hour, approximately that of a spider (and much faster than a sloth and quite faster than a garden snail) so we were soon passed by everyone. My poor hiking partner hikes much faster than I do, so she spent a lot of time waiting for me.

But, my slowness allowed me to see a mouse trying to carry a toad stool into it's burrow, which is just as cute as you'd imagine it would be.

Soon enough we were above the tree line and it was worth it.
The rocky ridge.
Tree on very windy Little Haystack. 4,800 feet. Sadly, it doesn't qualify as a 4000 footer "because it stands less than 200 ft (61 m) above the col on the ridge from Lincoln" but we did bag two 5000 footers, and climbed 3 actual peaks. It was very windy up there.

When I first attempted tree pose my inner thigh muscle seized into a charlie horse so I had to stretch out a bit, and then it was much more elegant.

We hiked over Lincoln 5089', and finally made it up to the summit of Lafayette. 5260 feet. By this time I was about to bonk.
I ate some trail snacks - marcona almonds and chocolate chips. My spirits and energy picked up quite a bit after having lunch. Some of these, the rest of my cheese sandwich, a hard boiled egg, and bite of my very unphotogenic PB&J.
Then we did some more yoga poses. (There's a crow photo on it's way.)
Side plank!
We hung out on the windy summit for a bit, looking at Mt. Washington, doing yoga poses and taking group photos for other people.

Looking back from whence we came.
Heading down from Lafayette, we descended to the Greenleaf Hut. For the first time in 5 hours I had to pee, conveniently at the toilets. I think that my profuse sweating on the way up made it so that all liquids left my body via sweat, and then on the way down when I wasn't sweating as much I finally had to pee.

Anyway, the hut was quite crowded with people sitting and having coffee, cocoa or lemonade. We peeked into the bunk rooms then restarted out trek down. In this photo you can see the entire ridge we hiked, with Lafayette visible on the far left above the roof.
One last look.

On the way down, we passed 3 of the hut croo who are the young men and women who work at the huts and have to carry all the hut supplies up on their backs. They have packs that are wood framed with liquor store boxes lashed to them (I swear one of the girls was carrying 3 boxes of canned goods). It's a bit like huffing and puffing your way down a hill and then having Lance Armstrong fly up the mountain past you riding a wooden bicycle.

We would stop and watch them pass, then watch them speed up the mountain. They climbed with their hands holding up the bottom of the wood frame and the girl carrying the canned goods was holding her iPhone as well. They were truly a site to behold.

Heading down was when we both got a little cranky. Our legs were hurting, I could feel hot spots on my big toes and we just wanted to be done. But the only way to get down the mountain is to climb down. So we trekked on.

Finally we were at the bottom, too tired to take any more photos, but there was parking lot yoga to stretch out our tired muscles.

3 hours later, I dropped my hiking partner off and was soon home myself. I was exhausted. I washed my feet and calves and went to bed. I fell asleep shortly after 9, having put myself to bed with no dinner.

I slept right through until 6am, and today I feel slightly stiff when I get up from sitting, but other than that I feel fine. No sunburn, no stitches (which apparently my father needed when he fell once on those same mountains) no bug bites. Normal amount of hungry. Rather thirsty, but I think that's also from the crazed housework I was doing in very muggy weather.

Now to plan the next one! (Which my dad thinks is going to be Mt. Washinton, 6288 feet, but I think I might need to re-think that.)

Hike Prep

2010-08-06T20:39:00.000-04:00

Study map.

Check out gossip blogs.

Facebook.

Check email.

Figure out to to get to trailhead.

Fill hydration system and water bottles.

Make a cheese sandwich.

Pack almonds and chocolate chips.

Pack 2 ProBars.

Make a PB & J sandwich.

Prep coffee machine.

Set out coffee mug and travel mug.

Lay out hiking clothes.

Pack drive-home outfit.

Pack change-in-the-parking-lot-skirt.

Remember flip flops for drive home.

Mentally review contents of car: hiking shoes, poles, bug spray, hat.

Remember father's admonition to coat feet in Vaseline to avoid blisters.

Realize you have no Vaseline.

Consider using Lush hand lotion but don't want to waste it on feet.

Assume feet will be fine.

Re-check all clothes.

Head to bed.

I'll be in the hills if you need me.

At Loose Ends

2010-08-04T07:17:00.005-04:00

When ever I'm going through a stressful time, it's helps to visualize a metaphor for what I'm experiencing (or choreograph an interpretive dance about it, but I haven't gotten that far yet.)

So, here's what I'm picturing: a hot air balloon, fire burning, filling with air trying to take off. But the sand bags are still on. Then one by one, the sand bags are cut away - boy, dog, hair (I don't know why hair is a sand bag, it just is), apartment, new apartment (that's a new one.)

I'm packing all my things, and trying very hard not to just write "Send to Goodwill" on all the boxes. Although I did keep my well-worn copy of Jane Eyre out of the boxes, just in case that happens. I'm having such a desire to get rid of so many of my things to just go live in a little house in the woods or by the beach with just my clothes (I am a professional, I need my clothes) and a few dishes, and my yoga mat and my knitting and my coffee maker.

Or perhaps become a vagabond.

Or just trust that the perfect place will be found in the perfect time. And since I believe in the "when you pray, move your feet" theory of manifesting things, I'm looking and reaching and emailing and driving to see things, in addition to visualizing myself living in the perfect space.

Weekend Warrior

2010-08-01T19:27:00.004-04:00

I was quite a weekend warrior these past couple of days. After a week that found me in tears for a few days at weird times (mostly driving while talking to myself about Jane), and then found me going down a one way street the wrong way while trying to buy moving boxes, I realized I needed some serious sweat therapy.

So, Saturday I headed down to the East Bay Bike Path with Ally for a nice 14 mile ride along the ocean. With a flat tire. Seriously. After last weekend's bike issues, to have yet another ride stymied by my aparent inability to care for my bikes was just comical. Thankfully, we found a bike shop near by, they gave me 2 new tires with the speed of a NASCR pit stop, and we were back in shape.

The trail is fairly narrow for a bike path, especially in the beginning (near Colt State Park) it is also a stroller/walker/roller-blade/meander/dog walk path. We weaved in and out of the people and finally found some space. There are also a lot of road crossings which made it hard to get a good pace going. Finally, towards East Providence there are some nice long stretches that aren't too populated. I'd say head out early in the morning (which we had planned...)

The round trip (26 miles, we skipped a mile or so branch) took about 2 hours and was just the right amount of time. Just as I was ready to be done, we were done.

Bristol is a very cute little town.

This morning I had planned a mountain bike ride but just as I was in the car and heading out, my riding companions texted that they would not be joining me. I refrained from texting back "come on, people, rally!! pain is temporary!" and made a quick mental calculation of my options. Returning home to sloth on the couch was not one of those options. Venturing into the somewhat creepy biking woods on my own did not appeal to me, so I made a quick swing back home for my hiking shoes (that'll teach me to store them at home instead of in the car like I normally do) and headed out to the non-creepy hiking woods.

A very sweaty but nice 3 hour hike. I will be very glad when fall is here.

It's weird to not have a dog in the house after 14 years. The wind blew and I didn't have to worry that the dog would get nervous. I can leave the vacuum cleaner out without her avoiding that room. I can leave the door open for a minute and not worry that I'll have to go hunting under all the bushes to find her. When I wake up at 2 a.m. there is no little soul down the hall that somehow senses my awakeness when I haven't even moved and comes ticking ticking ticking to check on me.

I got Jane 3 days after my last dog passed away quite suddenly from cancer. And a few days ago I came across this sled dog kennel that has retired sled dogs for adoption. But, I know I'm not ready for another dog. Not for a while. Still, I miss that little husky face. So, I got this:

My small new friend, Blizzard. He's reading about downward facing dog. (Actually I think that's dolphin...) He's just the right size to come hiking in my back pack with me, and to hang out on the counter or table if an ear needs to be scritched or something. He's what will prevent me from driving to New Hampshire and returning with a retired sled dog of my very own.

I had too many Jelly Belly's again. I really just need to buy about 20 at a time or something. I eat about 40 of them and then my belly hurts. And my body is tired, and just the right amount of sore. And I am glad it is almost bedtime.

Tomorrow I will do yoga. No excuses. Even if it's just dolphin pose.

I'm Molting

2010-07-27T20:37:00.003-04:00

Little Jane. 1996 - 2010. She never like the camera. But she sure liked me.

All the things I've loved and that have kept me safe and housed and tethered are falling away. Like pieces of armour dropped on a long march.

My dog, who died today in my arms.

The Boy, who is gone.

My hair that I cut off.

My apartment that I'm leaving soon.

It makes me wonder what I'll find up ahead when it's just me and my skin out there.

Have Mat, Will Travel

2010-07-25T11:41:00.004-04:00

This was where my bike ride took me. I had a broken spoke so I had to bag the ride and go to EMS for a repair. Except that they didn't open for an hour. So, I rolled out my mat, enjoyed the empty parking lot, blue sky and sea breeze and did a lovely 40 minute practice.

I started with some Sun As & Bs. Then did a series of triangle, parsvakonasana to ardha chandrasana. Prasarita Parsvattonasana with my head touching the ground (not quite up into tri pod headstand.) Some pigeon, upavishta konasana, janusirsasana, paschimottanasana. We haven't been doing many forward bends in class and I miss them. I tried crow which was made slightly more difficult by the slick coating of sun screen and bug spray that I had applied earlier, but it forced me to use my core more. I held the poses for 5 deep breaths, adjusting them and really feeling them without the noise of a teacher instructing me but still working from the inside out to express them.

Perfect.

It was nice to be outside. I think that is what has kept me from practicing at home with my low ceilings, I need more space. I want more space. And the continuous breeze even though the sun was on me felt so good.

I feel weirdly like I haven't moved enough today. I think because I was all prepared for a couple of hours of biking, and now my bike is in the shop (getting a lot of good things done) and it's too sunny to go out on my other bike and I'm covered in sweat and sun screen and bug spray and I feel all discombobulated. I should just go buy some cheese.

"I mean, I can't put my legs behind my head or anything."

2010-07-25T06:52:00.002-04:00

This is what someone said to me the other day when we were talking about yoga. And I've heard it, or some variation of it, before.

You know what you never hear from a beginning runner? "I mean, I can't run an ultra-marathon yet or anything."

Or from a beginning cyclist? "I mean, I can't get up the Pyrenees with Lance or anything."

And yet people think that they need to come to yoga already being able to do all the things you learn in yoga.

When I re-started my practice this spring, the very first class I went to found me unable to bend my knee very much in warrior 2. My quads had not done any work in months and they wondered what on earth I was doing to them. My teacher wanted me to bend my leg more, but I just said "this is as far as it's going today." "I love it!" he exclaimed and we carried on.

We both knew that as I got stronger (which didn't take very long) my leg would bend and I'd have a nice right angle and we could then work on other stuff but for now (then) it was enough that I was on my mat.

I'm going mountain biking again this morning. I mean, I can't hop over a log and the trails aren't really steep, but I think I'll still have fun. : )

Ballet Class

2010-07-24T13:43:00.008-04:00

(photo source.)

Yoga today felt like ballet class. In Russia. None of the lovely fun poses from yesterday, just hard hard work. As though we were standing at the barre doing the same positions over and over until our muscles ached. And as though someone was walking around with a switch. And all I wanted to do was pirouette around the room.

At one point during prasarita padottanasna C (standing wide legged forward bend) with our hands clasped behind out backs and then coming up over our heads as we leaned forward, the teacher came and stood beside me, planted her leg in front of mine (so I couldn't bend my knees) and then pushed my hands forward keeping her hand on my back so I couldn't come up. It was an alarming adjustment, mostly in my mind because it felt so uncharacteristically harsh, but also in my hamstrings. I held it with a twisted face trying to breath through it. I know I could have said "stop" and almost did, but I breathed instead. My hamstring was fine. My brain was not.

My Saturday teacher is a wonderful teacher, an Ashtangi, but physically the classes are so hard for me. A lot of junk was bubbling up in class today. That's another reason I find them so hard. In my other classes the teacher and I will talk a bit, laugh sometimes, while still working hard and making progress on things. On Saturdays, there is no release of that energy or frustration. It just bubbles and simmers and swirls around in my brain. I think that's why on Saturdays 80% of the time I end up crying by the end of class. Not huge blubbery crying, but yoga crying.

There are no more Saturday classes until Fall, so I'm going to use that time to build my home practice. I bought an Ashtanga DVD which I haven't watched yet. I feel like I want to use these next 6 weeks or so to get my head and my body in order so that these classes aren't so tough.

It is so humid today. I need to figure out what to do with the farmer's market veggies so they don't wilt all over the place. And then move them so I can hang out there.

When You Just Don't Feel Like It

2010-07-23T18:34:00.005-04:00

This was what kept me home from yoga last night (and off my mat at home). Also, I think my couch's gravitational pull is stronger some days than other. I'll blame the random 2 a.m. wake up for skipping the 8 a.m. yoga class today. But I did sign up for 9:30 even though I don't really feel like going. It will get me out of the house and on with my other errands.

I need to practice at home more. If I am really serious about wanting to progress to the more difficult poses, I need to practice at home. (This is what I wrote this morning before leaving for yoga class.)

Then this is what we did in class.

And I actually did it! (Photo source. Bird of Paradise pose)

And this, crane pose. Which was awesome and strong. I try to remember Sadie Nardini when I do crow. I like her cues.

And 8 Crooked Limb Pose.

(Both from YogaJournal.com)

It was an awesome class and I felt good and strong. And so glad I went. I think I'm out of my yoga funk where I felt like I wasn't doing anything fun and challenging.

And we worked on my chaturanga to up-dog, I had been dipping down way to far and then couldn't get back up (but also couldn't stop before I got down too far) without putting my thighs down. My teacher now has me only going down as far as I can while still maintaining control in my arms, and then flipping into up dog. This means my chest is high off the ground, but it feels like I will progress better this way, and my alignment feels better too.

We'll see what tomorrow morning brings, and whether too many Jelly Belly jelly beans improve my practice or hinder it.

Bummer, Dude.

2010-07-21T17:49:00.004-04:00

(My niece, when she was a baby.)

I'm having one of those days where I want to hold a baby and sniff its head and have it lie there sleeping on my chest. And then return it to its parents after 15 minutes or so.

One of those days filled with little annoyances and small (well, medium sized) disappointments that just start to weigh on you a bit. Forgotten soon enough, I suppose, but here with me today.

And I'm reading this book about finding husband after 35 using techniques learned at Harvard Biz School, which is hysterically funny, sad, frightening and intriguing all at once. Apparently if I follow her plan I should have a husband in 12-18 months. Except that her Program (yes, its referred to as "The Program") involves setting aside 10-20% of your income to go towards your "marketing," making telemarketing calls to every single person you remotely know to see if they know any single people, finding a "mentor" who has 2 hours a week to spare helping you with The Program, and then devising a series of tests for your man once you find him just to make sure he really is the right one. One of the tests she suggests is asking him to help one of your friends move. Seriously.

In the spirit of that book I took myself to a Spanish wine and cheese pairing class last week, since, you know, that's where single men hang out. Actually, it's where lesbians and other single straight women looking for single men hang out. But the food was amazing, the wine was fantastic and I got a tour of a cheese cave (which doesn't really look like a cave.) And the cheese monger had dreamy eyes.

If you are lucky I'll share some of my adventures in this realm from time to time, just so you don't get bored on my journey to forearm balance and handstand.

There are thunderstorm warnings tonight. Maybe a nice storm and the change in barometric pressure will blow these bahs out of here.

Scatterbrain

2010-07-20T21:28:00.001-04:00

I felt like such a scatterbrain today! Twice at work I had that "oh, crap I forgot to do that!" feeling. Thankfully it was not related to client work, but still threw me off.

Then I had brought my yoga clothes so I could go to class after work and when I got to class I realized I had no pants. The studio has a boutique attached so I was able to buy some pants (and borrow a mat since I had forgotten mine) but again, it left me unsettled.

My practice didn't feel great but it did feel good to be practicing so early in the week. Even though I was the only one in class and had to hold warrior longer than I wanted so we could get my back femur doing one thing and my other inner thigh spiraling somewhere while my leg straightened by didn't hyperextend and my ankle muscle siezed into a mini charley horse.

Sunday I biked 17 miles so my legs appreciated the stretching. And last night I ate cheese for dinner and went to bed too early, waking up at 2:30 and not falling back asleep so my body appreciates the yoga, too. I knew that class would keep me out of the house during prime snacking hour and prevent me from crashing too early.

Zonked now and looking forward to sleep. Long, continuous sleep.

Floating Savasana

2010-07-17T19:46:00.004-04:00

What a day! I am wiped out. But thankfully did not wipe out.

After this morning's intense yoga class my plan was to hang out inside all day to avoid the sun and heat. Then my friend emailed and said she had just gotten a new mountain bike and was going to the trails with her husband. Next thing I knew I was dressed and throwing my bike in the back of my SUV and out the door. If you can't beat the heat, join it!

How have I never gone mountain biking in my life?! It was so much fun! Being on the trails and having to constantly be paying attention and present so you don't fall or jam your pedal into a rock or wipe out in a big thing of mud is really a good time. It's like yoga, kind of, where if your mind gets all noisy you'll fall so you really have to pay attention and work but also trust your bike. Then you get to a calmer part of the trail and it's like resting in down dog.

We did about 8 miles in the woods, then a few on the road.

Finally home and showered and I decided not to swim since I was tired and drinking rose'. But then 6:30 rolled around and I knew the water would be awesome so I was back on that bike for a couple more miles to the beach.

The water was heavenly, and it turns out that a lot of people come back to my little beach in the evening and they bring dinner. It's very cute to see while I swim back and forth and float. Tonight I finished my swim with a floating savasana. Just lying back, totally relaxed, palms up, exactly like savasana on the floor but in the water. Ears just under the water so all I can hear is the rocks rolling against each other.

I think that must be what heaven is like.

How I Lost Zero Pounds With Yoga (and hiking, biking and swimming)

2010-07-17T13:17:00.004-04:00

(me and Monadnock)

Back in March I started attending yoga classes on a regular basis, 4-5 days a week. Then as spring unfolded I began biking again, and hiking. Now that summer is here I've added swimming to my weekly activities.

I would love to be able to tell you that the yoga (and other stuff) helped me release the "extra" 30 pounds I've been carrying for a few years. How I've been amazed at how the weight melted off and I've had to get rid of all my clothes and can hardly believe I'm the same person. How my arms look like Madonna's, my quads rival Lance Armstrong's and my abs look like some awesome abs on some amazing person.

But none of that actually happened. And shows no sign of happening. I have no dropped one blessed pound.

Yes, my arms are getting defined, my quads are showing shape (we won't talk about the belly) my strength has increased since that first day in class when I could barely hold my second warrior, I can do upward bow pose, my inversions are better, I sort of kicked up into forearm balance yesterday, my dolphin is swimming and strong, I hung on during the Level 3 class this morning where my teachers were students along side me, I felt amazing and strong during my hike last weekend.

But, folks, I'm still overweight. I'll pause while you gasp and wonder what I must be eating to counteract the hundreds and thousands of calories I'm burning every week. (It's actually the same as I was eating while I sat around and did nothing and didn't lose weight.)

So, that's what's happening here. Yoga and hiking and biking and swimming won't magically make the weight fall off you. They will kick your butt and make you cry and soar and want to give high-fives to people, but they will do nothing at all to the number on the scale. And that's ok with me.

Priorities

2010-07-07T20:01:00.003-04:00

My priority right now is not learning to run. It is swimming when the tides are right (like tonight, choppy but warm), biking, doing yoga and hiking. There isn't time to spend doing something I don't enjoy which could negatively impact my doing of the things I do enjoy by making my legs sore or cutting into my time to do those things.

Maybe in the fall or winter, when it's colder and I can't swim and it's dark so I don't want to bike, then I'll start running. But right now it would not be a beneficial addition to my life. And I'm ok with that.

My desire to do a triathlon could probably be met by doing a bike ride with a group or something like that.

So, I shall save Week1Day2 of C25k for some day in the future.

For now, I have a hike to plan, a bike to put away and a swim suit to hang on the line.

Indulging

2010-07-06T18:37:00.004-04:00

Today I rested. After work I turned on the AC, drank beer, ate pizza and watched the Lindsay Lohan hearing on TMZ.com. That was awesome. Dirty looks, angry mutterings, pleading glances, then tears, recrimmination, a stern judge and 90 days in jail followed by 90 days inpatient treatment. All easily avoided if you skip drinking, drugging & driving, lying, blaming other people, making excuses, skipping out on things, pretending the rules don't pertain to you and then lying a little more. Let that be a lesson to you.

Now my belly is full, my quads are still sore and I'

Plan for the rest of the night: transport the cold air around with me, read, and chill.

Tomorrow is day 2 of C25K... I swear that I will complete it. Come hell or high temps. I promise. I swear. As long as this pizza is no longer in my belly and my legs don't feel like lead and it's not 90 degrees out...

The Ladies Leisurely Quad-Town Triathlon

2010-07-05T14:02:00.005-04:00

I did a triathlon today. My own made up schedule and route and as I was taking yet another break under a shady tree, I decided that it would be called the Ladies Leisurely Quad-Town Triathlon. And I shall hold it every year, and we shall pretend we are biking in costumes like this:And swimming in those heavy wool things, and running, well, Ladies don't really run all that fast so we shall perhaps alternate between running and walking lest we get the vapors.

It started with a 40 minute swim this morning. Heavenly as always. I think that I have a high tolerance for cold water, because I'm generally the only one swimming. Other people hop in and out giving those little hoots you give when the water is cold. I give a few hoots, but then I settle in. I'm thankful for the swimming lesson in the ocean when I was little - I remember cold morning with the teacher on the shore in a fleece jacket and us in the water, shivering away. But now I can swim and not mind the cold water so it was for the best!

After the swim I biked home (it's less than 2 miles) and had second breakfast - cold polenta with shrimp - changed, sunscreened up and headed back out. I have to say that pre-hydrating and eating more before the ride make a big different.

I biked 6.5 miles to the High School, which is located at the top of 2 hills. I discovered that my bike doesn't have enough gears as I cranked up those hills. The old 10 speed may not last me much longer... I sat for a bit in the shade and recovered my breath and thought about the fact that I then had to do Week 1, Day 1 of Couch to 5k. It's alternating 60 seconds of running with 90 seconds of walking for 20 minutes, with a 5 minute walk warm up & cool down.

I really need to find a better place to train for running than a non-shaded, black asphalt, high school track. Talk about miserable heat. I also need to find a bra that gives me support (which I had) but still allows for full breathing (not so much). Running is pretty much the most unpleasant activity to me. It wasn't pretty, but I made it. Does it get better?

Back to the shade for my cool down walk, and some more bench-lying and plotting my route home. I picked something I figured would be about 10 miles, and take me through the woods and not on any major hills. It was a great route, and in the middle of the woods is a spring where the park has installed faucets so you can fill water bottles. It was the perfect place to re-fill, as I'm finding my hydration pack only gets me through an hour of biking in the hot weather.

I had thankfully chosen a route that was mostly down hill on my way home, which was very welcome.

17 miles total (21 including this morning) through 4 towns and I was back home.

I feel very good. The only part that sucked was the running/walking in the hot sun. I could bike and swim all day long. I'm hoping that the running gets better, and that I can find a shady place to practice.

ETA: I couldn't pass up the evening high tide, so I went back for another swim and discovered that my old-lady sidestroke is quite speedy and aerodynamic. Would this be an inappropriate stroke for a tri? Also, I should practice with my face in the water. I usually wear a hat and sunglasses to protect my face. As one woman remarked, "This is August water!" It was almost too warm. I was hoping to get quite chilled which makes for better sleep. I think I am just chilled enough.

What a heavenly day.

I Think I Am Part Mermaid

2010-07-04T19:36:00.005-04:00

I don't know how else to explain the irresistible pull the ocean had on me tonight. I was happily in my polenta & shrimp-induced food calmness (not quite coma) and enjoying a glass of rose' when the next thing I knew I was checking the tide, the time of sunset, and in my bathing suit and on my bike on my way to the beach.

It's a tiny little thing, rocky shore and not much parking, but there were a few families settling in for the night with chairs and dinner. No one else in the water though, except me. It was the perfect temperature, just the tiniest bit choppy. I swam for a while. Then just floated, head back, arms out, seeing only the sky, hearing only the clinking of the rocks against each other from the waves. I wanted to nap there. I thought "if I try to do a triathlon, what if I don't want to leave the water? What if I just stay and swim and float and they wonder - who is that girl who won't get out of the water and on her bike?" and "High tide is tomorrow at 6am, can I come back then?"

When it was time to leave, my legs didn't know what to do. They had turned back into legs and were clumsy trying to leave the water, collapsing under me to leave me sitting on a rock for a bit, my brain trying to make the transition out of the water and back onto land. I made it, biked home, turned back into a human again.

Inland, By Edna St. Vincent Millay

People that build their houses inland,
People that buy a plot of ground
Shaped like a house, and build a house there,
Far from the sea-board, far from the sound

Of water sucking the hollow ledges,
Tons of water striking the shore,—
What do they long for, as I long for
One salt smell of the sea once more?

People the waves have not awakened,
Spanking the boats at the harbour's head,
What do they long for, as I long for,—
Starting up in my inland bed,

Beating the narrow walls, and finding
Neither a window nor a door,
Screaming to God for death by drowning,—
One salt taste of the sea once more?

Lucky I Have Strong Legs Like My Mother

2010-07-04T13:42:00.002-04:00

I inherited giant muscular calves from my mother. They will never be dainty and when I was younger I used to wonder if surgery to remove extra calf muscle was possible. (WTF?!) But, when I'm on my bike I appreciate the extra help. I pretend that I'm like Lance Armstrong with his specially built lungs that help his over the Pyrenees. My specially built legs help me over the hills of Cohasset. It's kind of the same, right?

I biked 16.25 miles today. I took the red mountain bike because it's slightly more comfortable to ride, but it is an albatross. It is so much heavier than the road bike and getting up hills on it is harder since I have less leverage. But I wanted sort of a slow scenic ride, and that's what I had, through the woods, along the ocean, past the beach where they were having a sand castle contest. I ran out of water at mile 14, which I didn't expect. Now I know to fill my Camelback up the whole way, and maybe throw in an extra bottle just in case. I was fine the rest of the way home, it was mostly down hill.

My right knee hurt for some of it, and now my right groin feels strained but I'm going to keep stretching it out and hopefully that will help.

Yesterday was a good yoga class, then a walk in the woods before having some drinks by the ocean.

I didn't start the C25K today because I really just wanted to be on my bike. Alternate plans are: go tonight (chances: slim to none) or go tomorrow morning (chances: good.)

Plans for now: re-fuel with some farmer's market pasta and the emergency cupcake I found stashed in the freezer.

Holiday, Celebrate

2010-07-03T06:59:00.003-04:00

Someday I will do this. Madonna in a fancy pincha mayurasana/forearm balance. Borrowed from an email sent to me by Back Bay Yoga. She's an Ashtangi, of course.

This gives me hope. Because I think Madonna is 50 (pause to shudder at the thought of how quickly time flies) and she can do this. So maybe when I'm 50 I'll be able to do it.

Going to yoga this morning. Then the farmer's market. I'm going to stock up on things and freeze some of them to avoid having to go to Whole Foods during the week.

And I have a new bike helmet & bucket hat so my head will be nice and safe if I go for a bike or a swim or a walk.

Also, I'm having the crazy idea to do the Couch to 5K program so that I can do a mini-triathlon some day. Because I've got the biking and swimming part down, it seems a shame not to try running to put all the pieces together.

Despite Appearances

2010-07-02T17:06:00.003-04:00

I did not have a bad day today. Had you been looking in on me as I had the brilliant idea to get my car inspected on my day off, and then received the news that it would cost $1400, or maybe $1800 to get it to pass, and oh, you need a new front license plate, and then drove to the other shop closer to my house to have it looked at again, and sat for another 45 minutes while they went through it, oh, only $1000, good news. Still need new plate. Don't get pulled over. Bring it back Tuesday.

Then coming home to find that my aging dog had left a gift for me on the bathroom floor. Clean that up. Take the clothes off the line. Dishes need washing. Clothes need folding. (Thank god there are no children who need tending.)

But the reality is - it's all ok. None of it is a crisis. No matter the cost of the car repairs, I can afford it and then my car will be better and last me longer. Dishes can be washed. Clothes can be folded. Life will go on. No one is sick. No one is dying. No one has been betrayed. I come home to a safe and clean and beautiful neighborhood. I have everything I need. My life is beautiful.

Wild Geese, by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

I love this poem. Every so often when I start to get anxious, I think "oh, if I am good and get things in order and exercise and clean and do all the right things something will notice and it will be better. I'll be good, I swear." Then I remember this poem, I do not have to be good and walk on my knees. I just have to be. And I can clean or exercise, not because I need to be good but because it feels good to move and live in a pleasant environment.

But it was still a tiring day, with lots of reminding myself that it wasn't a bad day. So I might just find a sad movie to watch and start again tomorrow.

The Journey

2010-07-02T11:13:00.005-04:00

I returned to the yoga studio today. Somehow the days slipped by with biking and walking and not yoga. "Somehow" is a cop out. There was no yoga because I didn't do yoga. No somehow about it.

Anyway, I always think that the one hour Friday morning class will be easy because it's an hour. Oh, no. Think again. Teacher and I both want me to get into forearm balance, which meant lots of dolphin and plank. And my favorite flow from parsvakonasana into ardha chandrasana, which felt much stronger and graceful than it has in the past. And I was able to do all my chaturanga dandhasanas with straight legs and then flip up into up-dog without dropping my hips and legs to the ground. It took some brute strength but I'll get to the graceful flow soon enough.

Then we worked on my forearm balance. I can get to down dog, and shift forward to put my shoulders about my elbows, and there the weakness sets in. My arms and shoulders and hands that feel so strong in other poses, just start to feel so weak. So we work. I lift one leg up, then the other. Then rest. Then do head stand to get me upside down, to work on lifting my shoulderblades up (down) my back. Then shoulderstand with my triceps pleading with me to be done.

At the end of Savasana, my teacher read this poem:

The Journey, by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

So, I'm off to stride deeper and deeper into the world, determined to save the only life I can save.

I Lied

2010-06-29T17:48:00.004-04:00

I lied. I am going to tell you what I ate today. Because when you are keeping track of your food you want company during such a boring chore.

Pre-ride breakfast: english muffin with almond butter.

Post ride: small bowl of grape nuts.

Snack: Chobani pineapple.

Lunch: cheese ravioli & pesto (from farmer's market) with asparagus and cauliflower.

Dinner: bread & cheese upon arrival home (famished) then kale, leek and mushroom frittata, Harpoon Summer Beer.

The key to today was being mindful. Paying attention (via tracking) to what I was eating, noticing what the computer thought I should eat v. what I knew I should eat due to the bike ride (a couple hundred extra cals), making sure I used veggies as the base of my meals and remembering that more protein at lunch makes me happier.

I boiled one of the two dozen eggs I picked up at the farm down the street. Those will be a good addition to my days.

I was awake at 4am this morning (birds, not insomnia) so I'm foreseeing an early bedtime, another early morning and a bike ride with my new sunglasses.

Pardon the Interruption

2010-06-29T11:27:00.003-04:00

There is really nothing more boring that talking about weight loss (or lack thereof) because it is a meaningless goal (for me anyway) but just for today I will track what I eat in Sparkpeople. I will not let that overtake my life but it is just so curious to me that I've been doing so much exercise and activity these last 3 months and have not lost an ounce. And my eating habits are the same. Would I weight 250 pounds now if I hadn't been doing all that stuff?

Anyway, I biked 14 miles this morning. My sunglasses dropped an arm at some point during the ride, so on the way home I was riding with them on like they were opera glasses, with the remaining arm wedged between my bandanna and my helmet.

I'm not going to start listing what I'm eating because, again, boring, but I can tell you it will consciously involve more vegetables.

That is all. Have a nice day.

What's My Motivation? (with a happy ending)

2010-06-28T14:56:00.005-04:00

So, I just go the proofs from the photographer and all I can think is who is that person? Am I really an amazon with a tiny head but giant face? Do I really have that stupid look on my face all the time? Why do I go out in public? Is despising the way you look in photos a good reason to want to lose weight? Does being motivated by self hatred make a goal any more attainable?

It seems like such a shame to waste the talent and time of the photographer and make up artist.

And then I start to sink into "well, no wonder I'm single" but that's just self-indulgent and stupid because what you look like has little to do with whether someone will love you.

What's the saddest is that this is what I felt like every day 20 years ago. And it still flares up. And it still sucks just as bad. And it's still so much harder to change what's in your brain rather than what's on your body.

bah.

---

Edited to add that after this I biked to the beach and swam for 45 minutes. My mood is much improved. Nothing a little sweat, some endorphins, and the rush of cold water from the sea won't cure.

Passport To Prana & Studio Review

2010-06-28T05:52:00.003-04:00

My friend Stacey and I recently bought Passport to Prana cards so that we can take a free class at 37 yoga studios around Boston (probably fewer than 37 since we'll mostly likely skip the hot classes.) We went to our first one yesterday.

I had been to Healing Tree Yoga in Quincy before, a few years ago. It's just slightly too far and through too much traffic for me to go to it regularly but it's a nice studio. Clean and well lit, but without lockers for your things so people's bag clutter the edges of the room. It doesn't have the nice cork flooring or high ceilings that my usual haunt has, and when class first started the air was absolutely still and I wondered what people have against a nice breeze and some fresh moving air.

Thankfully as class went on, an Anusara class, the instructor turned on the fans and the air since we were working quite hard on our Kali energy. It was a great class - with lots of grounding standing poses, and a fun trip into Wild Thing, a sort of upside-down down dog + side plank + back bend. I could tell during class how much stronger I've gotten these past few months. We also did some more dhanurasana, bow pose,

The class I went to a few years ago had an instructor who stayed up at the front of the room and basically did her yoga practice while we followed along. I don't like this kind of class since if I just wanted to watch someone and not receive any assistance I would do a DVD. In Nikki's class yesterday (as in other classes I've taken of hers) she'd demonstrate a pose for us, and then walk around the room checking our poses, offering suggestions, rooting our hips back into their sockets, reminding us to pull the head of our arm bones back and not letting us just hide in the back of the room to go through the motions.

It was the perfect class for a Sunday morning.

Today is slated to be hot and muggy, thank goodness I'll be in the office in AC all day! Hopefully a thunderstorm will roll through and cool things down later.

Noga

2010-06-26T06:59:00.003-04:00

My yoga teacher is out of town this week and even though there is a sub, I'm skipping Level 2 today because it just wouldn't be the same. I'm going to work on the house, on getting rid of all clothes that are not flattering or don't fit or that I don't wear. I will be ruthless.

I got new photos taken for work yesterday. It was very fun. I was feeling good after a yoga class, then I went and got my hair done. I love having my make up done. There is something so soothing about having someone brush and dab at your face for half an hour (except the mascara part which almost made me puke for some reason) and then you look at yourself in the mirror and your face is smooth and flawless and radiant and you look like a news anchor woman. I immediately wanted to buy all of the make up that made me look like that, but I didn't.

Then we did some head shots, and went outside for some more photos. Here's me and me with the photographer and the make up artist. What a fun day!

Please note, my face is not usually that color. It's just the extra makeup for the photos.

These Are Better Days

2010-06-23T19:15:00.004-04:00

...better days are shinin' through.

That tricky Universe.

I decided to go to lunch time yoga today. I can't go tomorrow night and I figured that it would be a good complement to my bike ride. Well, when I got there the teacher announced that a photographer was coming to take some pictures for a magazine. Eek! My hair! No, actually, I thought "Cool, maybe I could be in a photo doing my sweet yoga moves."

And sweet moves we did. After warming up we decided that headstand might look nice, oh how about some urdva danurasana (upward bow), some ustrasana (camel) perhaps, a nice janu sirsasana (head to knee), and paschimottanasana with our feet together. Oh, and my new supta padangusthasana in which my angusta is in my hasta. What fun to just play around with our favorite poses. And have the photographer (who said she could do padmasana/lotus because "Oh, I'm 19" which gave us all a laugh) saying "wow, that is so cool."

I really hope one of the photos of me makes the cut. What fun that would be.

And then I went shopping, again, for things for my summer wardrobe. I went to the right store, with the amazingly helpful and funky ladies, and came away with 8 pieces that I feel and look fabulous in. Albuquerque mind, indeed, as Sylvia Boorstein puts it.

But it’s a sad man my friend who’s livin’ in his own skin
And can’t stand the company
Every fool’s got a reason for feelin’ sorry for himself
And turning his heart to stone
Tonight this fool’s halfway to heaven and just a mile outta hell
And I feel like I’m comin’ home

~Bruce, of course.

What shall we do tomorrow? The bike seat is fixed. Maybe another ride? What are you doing tomorrow?

10.5

2010-06-23T07:22:00.003-04:00

I said I would and I did.

The bike is going to the shop for a visit today. I rode the hybrid since the roads were wet, but I forgot that the seat post sinks about an inch as I ride so I had to stop 3 times to adjust it. I put it in the back of the SUV right after the ride, and I'll take it to the shop after work to see if they can fix it.

I can't say that the crankiness is entirely gone, but I can say that I will go out with a renewed vigor today to find some shirts/jackets for my photo shoot. Visualizing the perfect thing usually works, so I'll try that before going.

Maybe it's the barometric pressure?

Resolved

2010-06-22T19:58:00.005-04:00

(Photo source. Tittibhasana)

Ok, this is my resolution. First. I'm going biking tomorrow. I've set out my biking clothes, and will prep the coffee and set my alarm for 5am and get up and bike. 13 miles will bust this funk out. (Ha. I said bust.)

Second. I am getting rid of the shirt I wore today. I realized that every time I wear that shirt it makes me feel like crap. So it's leaving. Along with it's cousins, the Dumpies.

Third. I found a bunch of websites that cater to the large bu sted woman and I've ordered some shirts. We'll see. Bravissimo, Carissa Rose and AJ Rumina. I also found the Red Violet Project which is a woman attorney starting a company to make clothes that fit women like me. Maybe my dream of creating Tits and Asanas, my yoga clothes line for women with bra sizes Danurasana, Down Dog, Eka, Firefly and Gomukasana, is more doable than I think (These ideas are mine all mine. Do not steal them. Or maybe the line is called Tittibhasana.)

Fourth. I think 3 resolutions is enough. Well, really there are only 2 resolutions and one random paragraph. Although I do know that I need to get on my yoga mat on the days I don't go to the studio, I'm not quite ready to resolve that yet.

Also, I think that there must be people who feel at home in their body no matter what the size. I envy those people. Just like I don't spend time thinking about arm hair or my nose or scarring. Maybe I'll just think about my nose and how it never crosses my mind and start there. Strangely (or not) I used to be really bothered by my arm hair in high school. And I also hated my body 40 pounds ago. I would really like not to consider it at all.

And I still don't know what I'm wearing for my photos on Friday.

Some Days

2010-06-22T13:47:00.004-04:00

Some days I feel at home in my body and love it. Today is not that day. Today I am annoyed and bothered and wishing either that my body was a very different shape, or that there were more places to buy clothing for the well en dowed woman. Some place to get shirts that aren't too short, that have a waist and don't look like a muumuu. Apparently those shirts that do exist cost around $100-150 and are mostly oxfords or shells to wear under a suit. I think oxfords are uncomfortable and I don't wear suits. Although maybe I'd find them comfortable if they were made to fit me, and maybe I'd wear shells and suits if they actually fit.

Why can't I just have a normal body that can wear cltohes off the rack? Ha. I said rack.

Then I just start to think "oh, it's because you are fat. If you lost weight things would fit you."

I am also wondering why I cut my hair off and thinking that it's either too long or too short but it's just not right. Or I don't know how to do it.

And I'm wondering why I'm getting my pictures taken on Friday when I take pretty much the worst pictures in the whole world. And am full of body hate.

And I know I should be appreciative about what my body can do and not what it looks like, but I'm not there right now.

I keep making changes and having weird regrets about them. And they aren't things that I think would change my life and I'm then disappointed that my life hasn't changed. They are just things I want to change. But maybe slightly underneath I think that if my hair is shorter or I have a new computer at work or my office is rearranged something else will change. But it doesn't. Only the thing that has changed has changed.

This shall pass. I hope. Or maybe I can pass it if I get on my bike or my yoga mat.

Yang and Yin

2010-06-20T19:38:00.007-04:00

Last night my physical exertion finally caught up with me and a sleepy blanket of exhaustion came over me. I lazed on the couch with the Boy and watched a movie.

Yoga yesterday was awesome. The morning class was the perfect level of exertion and just what I needed to stretch me out from the bike ride. We practiced wheel with a strap around my upper arms to help me keep them in, and then once I was up the teacher pulled me up further and forward so I could feel where I'm going. I love those adjustments. And in paschimottanasana (seated forward bend) she gives me this amazing assist to where my face is almost on my shins and my hands were fully past my feet, clasping at the wrists. She even adjusted me in savasana, tucking my shoulder blades under, pulling my arms and legs gently out, and then pulling on my head slightly. It's pretty much like a massage during yoga.

After class I hurried to the farmer's market to stock up on hummus, pasta, kohlrabi, and cauliflower then ate lunch, changed and went back to the studio for the yin workshop.

Yin yoga is essentially holding floor poses for 5-7 minutes to promote deep release in the connective tissue. The quieting Yin, to counteract the active Yang. I can't say it was "enjoyable" since even pigeon pose starts to be uncomfortable after that long, but I think it was good for my body and my mind. And defintely a contrast to the Yang of my bike ride and morning yoga class.

Today I met my mom for a walk by the ocean. I almost rode my bike there but figured I'd give my poor sit-bones a rest for another day. We walked for about 45 minutes, slowly, and enjoyed the breeze. She pointed out to me the spots on her arms where she'd had pre-cancerous lesions removed recently as we both put on SPF 30 sunscreen. I need to be much more mindful of reapplying throughout the day if I'm biking. My shoulders are burned and that's not good.

Later I ate ice cream for lunch (homemade from a little store in town, Grape Nut. Yum.) along with some hummus and pita and an amazing cheese thing from the hummus stand with apricot preserves. Then I watched 87 episodes of Bones and did what felt like 13 loads of laundry, interspersed with opening and closing windows depending on whether it was violently raining or not.

Now I'm eating 2 bowls of steamed cauliflower with olive oil and shoyu, and sauteed kohlrabi and garlic scapes. I think that counts as my 5 veggie servings for the day.

I'm going to fold the clean sheets, revel in the fact that every item of clothing I own is clean and set out my yoga clothes for the week, along with a set of biking clothes just in case.

It was fun to figure out what my body could do this week, and to keep pushing it just slightly beyond where my mind thought was possible. I aim to keep that up. But tonight I aim to just lie here and watch more TV. Just a little more Yin before the Yang of the week kicks in.

Keep Calm and Carry On

2010-06-19T07:13:00.005-04:00

I forgot to write about my Thursday night yoga class. I was the only one there (so sad how many folks are missing out on this amazing studio) and she had planned hip openers and ab work. Perfect for the pre-bike ride. I should do more ab stuff at home, my core is not very strong and it will help with so many of my poses.

We did a bunch of ab work, and in supta padangustasana (reclining hand to big toe pose) I was able to hold my toe instead of using a strap. That's progress. And when we were doing standing padangustasana at the wall, I was much stronger than I'd been in the past.

We worked on hanumanasana, monkey splits, and some pigeon. Which is still one of my favorite poses.

My quads are kind of sore and tight today. I thought I was going to skip yoga, but then I realized that the reason I want to skip is because I'm afraid I'll be weak and fall over in class, which probably isn't going to happen. My pride was trying to keep me from going after feeling like such a failure in last week's class.

So, I'm going to go to Level 2/3 this morning, and then go back for the Yin Workshop this afternoon. Because life is short and bodies are made to move.

"Treat your body like an instrument rather than an ornament" ~ Alanis Morrissette

Forty Eight

2010-06-18T20:04:00.003-04:00

Things I learned on my 48 mile bike ride along the Cape Cod Rail Trail today.

Sunscreen needs to be reapplied after swimming at mile 24.
Swimming at mile 24 is awesome, even if you are swimming in your biking clothes.
There are maybe 4 enjoyable miles during a 48 mile bike ride.
The best parts of a ride like this are planning it and being done with it.
Padded biking gloves make all the difference in the world.
Yoga helps make your wrists stronger.
Yoga helps make your quads stronger.
Bringing clean dry clothes for the ride home are the key to a good post-ride experience.
Changing into your post-ride clothes in a parking lot is easier if you have a dress.
Swearing and cursing and calling on Jesus helps get you through some tough miles.
If I ever think I want to do this again, please flatten my tires and take away my shoes.

13.5.2

2010-06-16T08:09:00.006-04:00

I rode 13.5 miles total (a few minutes over an hour). The road ended at the ocean and I couldn't go any further. So I stopped and took a photo and turned around.

I have to say that yoga and hiking have made a huge difference in my biking. First of all, I barely feel like I worked out, and this is only my second ride of the season. Second, my wrists didn't hurt at all. This is huge, and due to all my yoga where I'm strengthening my wrists. Third, my lungs didn't burn.

It was just a lovely, early morning, ocean side ride. If I can get out a little earlier, I think it will be better, because by 7am everyone is driving out of the little sea-side town and I was sucking exhaust fumes for a bit.

Now I just feel so good! And of course now I want to drive to the Cape to ride my bike 50 miles on Friday.

We'll see!

(the .2 is because I had a post with the same title last year. So this is version 2)

The Keys To Success

2010-06-16T05:26:00.003-04:00

For some reason (birds. singing loudly) I am up at 5:00 a.m. and going biking soon. So, I thought I'd share with you some of the keys for early morning exercise success.

1. Get up as soon as you wake up. Don't lie in bed reading on your iPhone for half an hour and then go back to sleep.

2. Put on your workout clothes right away, while you are still too sleepy to realize what you are doing. Even your socks. Bonus points if you set them out the night before.

3. Turn the coffee maker on. Let the dog out. Feed the dog.

4. Go get your bike out of the Shed of Decaying Squirrels and try not to think about waking any sleeping squirrels that might jump on you, or fly out of the rafters at your head, or crunch beneath your feet.

5. Fill bike tires. Go back inside and have coffee and wake up and then bike.

I'm not sure what the post-bike steps are since I haven't gotten there yet, I just know that last summer I was biking 13-15 miles in the mornings (in the rain!) so I know it's possible. Especially since the birds don't show any sign of hushing up in the mornings.

Also, reading this post by Emily of the Front Burner on my iPhone at 4:30 a.m. totally inspired me to get up.

A Not Unsatisfactory Hike

2010-06-13T16:00:00.005-04:00

It rains on the weekends here. Apparently that's its new thing. And I finally had enough of it and decided to go hiking.

I headed about an hour out of Boston to Wachusett Mountain, a ski resort in the winter, with hiking trails in the summer. And a Subaru car show extravaganza on June 13.

I took the Balancing Rock trail up to the Old Indian Trail to the summit. It was drizzley and very very misty. I couldn't see very far ahead of me, and actually had to ask a parking attendant where the mountain was. She pointed up at the fog, and off I headed.

It was a nice hike. Less hilly than when I go to the Blue Hills, but very pretty and with less people (and less litter.) It crossed ski trails on the way up, but I couldn't see more than 100 or 200 feet up or down the mountain, so I'm not sure what it looked like. And when I got to the top (where they were testing the chair lifts) I had no idea what the view looked like. I sat in the windy mist and ate some yummy pasta and studied my map for the 90th time.

I like to study my map when I hike. I kept it in a zip lock bag in my pocket and took it out at every intersection, even those that had signs. It makes me feel like I'm building a new skill when I read a map. It's part of the Midstate Trail, which is what those yellow triangles mark.

It was a rather un-steep hike, the only very steep part being at the very top, where it was rocky and wet. On the way down, I lengthened my poles to give me more balance. And I un-strapped my hands from them in case I needed to let them slide down some rocks ahead of me so I could follow scooting on my bum.

By the end I looked like this.

The car show made my after-hike changing a little more difficult, but thanks to my trusty changing skirt, I was in dry pants and on my way home in no time.

The hike was 3 hours, and I would probably go back again in sunnier weather to try some more of the trails.

Now I'm making some pizza dough, and will add pesto, arugula, fresh mozzarella, vidalia onions, mushrooms and maybe some kale.

There's A Tear In My Ear...

2010-06-12T12:23:00.003-04:00

...'cause I'm lying on my back crying during savasana.

Saturday morning yoga just takes it all out of me. Whatever strength or grace I thought I had gets left in a puddle of sweat on Saturday mornings. Today was revolved poses, which make me feel even more unsteady and uncoordinated. My legs are exhausted from holding me up in such an unsteady state, and by the end I couldn't even get up into my last urdhva danurasana, I was just done.

I'm trying to just chill for a bit without feeling like I have to jump into all my Saturday chores, but it's hard to chill when the house needs cleaning and you want to go buy new shower curtain liners.

And twists leave me agitated. They wring out long stored stuff that makes me edge.

So, I'm going to lie around and watch Jillian Micheal's Losing It, and then I'm going to rally and march on.

A Very Busy Day

2010-06-11T18:30:00.003-04:00

Today feels like it went by in about 5 minutes. I was leaving my house this morning to meet some new folks, and next thing I know I'm hobbling back home and kicking off my heels wondering where the day went. I got a ton of stuff done and found some great opportunities for work.

Now I'm having dinner which is: 2 eggs over easy and chopped steamed asapargus over rice with a little pesto dabbed throughout. Yum. And contains veggies. I may be eating this for every meal.

I did some outside yoga today after I got home. Some sun salutation with jump backs (the grass is more forgiving than a floor), parsvottanasana (side angle bend), then practiced a whole bunch of hand stands, kicking up from the easy side and the not easy side. And doing some cartwheels to get my body used to being upside down.

Then the mosquitos came to join in and I stopped.

I think I will be having nutella ravioli for dessert. Yoga is at 9am tomorrow. I hope my ankles stop hurting by then.

A Few Things

2010-06-11T07:13:00.004-04:00

A few things.

We did handstands yesterday in yoga class. I had gotten to class early and the teacher thought I was going to be the only one in class so she asked what I wanted to work on. Handstands! And not just so I can be like Kathryn Budig and do handstands every where I go. Well, maybe a little bit.

There was one other person in class, a woman with a fused spine who is very strong and adventurous despite her physical limitations - so she's a good person to be in class with.

We did lots of plank, dolphin, down dog - building up strength in our lats, and arms. And trying to push back up from chaturanga, which I still can't quite do. But my arms are getting so much stronger.

Anyway, I was trying to do the handstands at the wall, kicking up from down dog and it just wasn't happening. I had no confidence, no momentum (which I still need at this point) and no success. So, while she was working with the other student on half handstand (where your legs are at right angle to the floor and are flat against the wall) I left my mat and just started kicking up into a handstand in the middle of the floor like I used to when I was 5. And soon enough, there I was on my hands. So, I went back to the wall, kicked up, touched the wall and stayed up for a few breaths, feeling just how strong my arms have to be to keep me up there. Then I kicked up again to make sure I could do it.

Of course I have a million miles to go on this journey, but I now feel like I've seen where I'm going and can visualize myself there. I can practice in my yard, against a tree or on the grass. I can practice kicking up with the other leg, I can trust that my wrists and lower arms will not in fact crumple under my weight (yes, that was a big part of my fear of getting up into handstand.)

My hip & sciatic pain are gone. I went in for a half hour massage yesterday morning. Just the right amount of time for my magician of a masseuse to get all in and around my hips and relax and separate the muscles, and generally improve the state of things. My right bum is quite bruised from the acupuncture & cupping, and my right back thigh has a dark bruise the size of a quarter - that must be the point where I nearly jumped off the table. Lots of things going on back there apparently. Thankfully thong bikini season is a long way off.

And lastly - I seem to have gotten so comfortable with things being uncomfortable that when things start to go right and I feel safe and secure (because work is steady and good, housing situation is falling into place) I get nervous and want to cry. Because I think it can't last, it must end, there's no way I can feel that at ease before something goes wrong. But I am allowed to have things go right. There is no shoe that's going to drop. There is not need to balance out the good by having something go wrong. It's possible for life to be easy and profitable and lovely and full. It really is.

Sleepy

2010-06-09T19:18:00.004-04:00

(I can't remember where that image is from, but I love it.)

A stressful day is over, and went well. I had to go to Court which makes me nervous since I don't go often and as I stood at the table with my client, I could feel the floor pulsing with my heart beat. But it was very quick and at the end we got what we came in for and the judge gave us a big smile. All is well that ends well. And it gave me a chance to practice my mindfulness during my anxiety (what is my body feeling? what thoughts am I having?). It was like going into urdva dhanurasana (wheel pose) when I didn't think I could.

I decided against yoga class tonight. I really just wanted to be at home. So I ate some bread and cheese and then decided to do yoga.

Some down dog, plank, mini push ups in plank, forearm balance, then a nice headstand and then shoulderstand. Then I took a 20 minute nap. That might be the best yoga practice ever. And the sound of the rain only improved it. And my recently altered top held up very well through all my inversions, never once needing to be tugged up or over anything. That pleases me.

I'm going to see my massage therapist tomorrow morning to see if she can't work the last kinks out of my hip. I got some nice cracking back there today (the best way is when I turn around in my car in the morning to back out of my driveway and use the passenger seat back for leverage, heavenly twist!) and I think the cross-legged seated forward bend I did today at work really helped to stretch that hip out and loosen things up.

The dog is snoozed on the rug, and I'm about to head up to bed to read.

Night night & namaste.

The Cranks

2010-06-09T07:11:00.003-04:00

The crankies have set in. I know what it's from. Some things at work that are nudging at me, but will be finished soon. The feeling of being utterly alone at times. The waiting on the new living space. The sore hip. The sore knees (where did those come from?) The fat. Bah.

I'm having the urge to get rid of all my stuff. Or at least start packing it all up even though I'm not moving until September.

I want something different. I want something new. I want something other.

But for now I'll go take a shower and go to work. And finish up old things and make a plan for something new.

My Hips Don't Lie

2010-06-08T21:22:00.006-04:00

This shooting pain down my leg? It's not really about my hip or my sciatic nerve, or my piriformus muscle or any of those things. You see, emotions live in our hips (as Shakira knows) and when things aren't right and I'm not saying what needs to be said and doing what needs to be done, my hips don't lie either. They just start hurting so I get the message. And they send burning shooting pain down my leg, around my knee and into my ankle.

Acupuncture helped. The needles into my hamstring made me jump a bit, but after they were in they felt fine and soon I was dreaming on the table. She also did some cupping on my lower back, and a bit of massage.

Then I went to yoga and my teacher spent some time showing me the hip muscles in the anatomy book before class. She also had me wrap 2 straps around my hips at my sacrum and pull them snug, like a girdle, to give my sacrum some support. This felt really good and I wore the belts (with the ends tucked in) for about half the class.

I feel like if a giant would pick me up by my calf and give me a good shake upside down, he would dislodge my hip out of its socket, and could then give me another shake to get it back in there properly. Lying with a tennis ball under my hip is helping, too.

But also, the work I need to do for this is in my heart and my head.

So be wise and keep on
Reading the signs of my body

~ Shakira

A Note From Lululemon & A Shooting Pain in my Back

2010-06-08T14:04:00.004-04:00

I sent Lululemon a link to my last post, since I think giving feedback on stuff is important. They wrote back:

Hi Leanna!

Thank you so much for sending this to us. What an amazing blog post! We get a lot of feedback about the sizing and fit of our clothing from larger chested women, and it's amazing to see such great ideas illustrated so clearly. I will be sending your blog post to our design team for them to look at. Hopefully, it will give them some ideas for future designs geared towards bustier women.

Thanks again :)
Laura

I wonder if we'll see some better designs in the future?

In other news, my sacroiliac joint is out of whack again. Which means shooting pain down the back of my right leg. Thankfully my acupuncturist is next door and I'm going to see her in 5 minutes, and my yoga class is tonight so I can get some help on poses to get it back into place and keep it there.

Hacking My Lululemon, or Yoga Clothes for the Large Chested

2010-06-06T18:48:00.005-04:00

Last summer I went into Lululemon to find some tops. I needed something to fit the girls, which are thirty six Dx3, also known as E's. (Trying to avoid terms that will draw people googling for creepy things.) According to the girl at Lululemon, these tops were made for people like me. The tops seemed fine in the dressing room so I bought 3. After getting them home and doing a few yoga moves, I realized there was a problem. (I don't have a before picture of the s-i-d-e b-o-o-b but trust me, it was there.) There was no way I was going to yoga in this. If this was me in tadasana, what would down dog bring??
I took some stretchy material and fixed the problem.
Even leaning over, no spillage. I can salute the sun with the rest of them and not having things falling out during my inversions. I'm sure my teachers will also be happy that I'm not flashing them during class.
Everything covered as it should be! Dear Chip, this is how you actually make tops that fit larger chests (go away creepy google people.) You don't just make longer shelf bras, you actually have to add more coverage on the sides and tops.
Now when I buy tops, which is not at lululemon since I don't really want to have to retrofit a $48.00 top (or this one, which required my shortening the straps after I spent an entire class readjusting it), I do a bunch of yoga poses and sun salutations in the dressing room (or outside in the store if the room is too small) to see if everything stays where it belongs (including the clothing.)

I have found that Lucy's Power Yoga Tank fits amazingly well, and this Zobha one is pretty good, too.

And there you have it. Now if I can just find some spandex by the yard, I may starting sewing all my own tops...

---

Edited to Add: I had to make a few more adjustments on these after the photos were taken. I realized that when I put the tops on, I had the straps in the middle of my shoulders. But, as I raise my arms up and down and go into and out of various poses, the straps move in towards my neck, causing the fabric in the middle to gap. So, I narrowed it a bit so that it stays taut when the straps move up my shoulders as I move. I believe they are now ready for public wearing.

I just laid out 4 yoga outfits for the week. It's more work than you'd think. Each outfit needs a bra, either built into the tank or separate, then a tank, pants that coordinate with the top (not fashionwise but inversion-wise: for shirts that are shorter, I need pants that have a high waist, and pants with a lower waist require a longer tank), and an over t-shirt.

I think I may finally have a clothing system down that will have me not making any adjustments to anything in class except my poses.

These are a Few of My Favorite Things

2010-06-05T18:02:00.003-04:00

Yoga on Sat'days with hip op'ning poses

Working so hard the sweat runs down my noses

Flying in crow or just leaving the ground

These are the things that make my world go 'round...

Walking at World's End and passing some bikers,

Talking of times that we've been o'r night hikers,

Scheming and dreaming and planning and more

These are the things that good friends are made for...

When the beach calls

When the woods sing

When your feeling fiiiiiiiine

You simply call up your favorite peeps

and then go have 'sters and wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnne!

A Change of Plans

2010-06-05T09:36:00.001-04:00

I was going to hike today. My things were all laid out, my route planned, my lunch packed. My first "real" hike of the season. There was a chance of thunder showers. But then at 4am the horrible thunder and lightning started. My check of the weather on my iPhone confirmed that at my destination it was raining and would likely thunder, too. I'd been on that mountain before in thunder showers, and it wasn't unbearable but it wasn't fun scurrying off the bare top before the lightning struck. So I made the executive decision to bag the hike.

I stayed in bed and slept until 7. Got up and walked the dog in the rain (she is now sleeping happily under a shrub outside.) Had coffee.

Now I'm showered and dressed for yoga. And will then try to find rain pants so I can take a practice walk outdoors in the rain.

Jai Jai Hanuman

2010-06-04T21:20:00.004-04:00

(photo source)

We practiced hanumanasana today! (monkey pose)

"It was the greatest leap ever taken. The speed of Hanuman's jump pulled blossoms and flowers into the air after him and they fell like little stars on the waving treetops. The animals on the beach had never seen such a thing; they cheered Hanuman, then the air burned from his passage, and red clouds flamed over the sky . . ." (Ramayana, retold by William Buck)

He lept from Sri Lanka to the tip of India. We did not leap quite that far.

We prepped with some prep poses and then got down on one knee (like in a proposal) with our front heel on the floor off the mat and on a belt (to help it slide) and our hands on blocks by our hips, and then we just slid our front heel forward so that leg straightened, our back leg slid towards the floor and our hands on the blocks helped support us since we can't get all the way to the floor yet.

The teacher said that it's the type of you pose need to work on a little every day and then you can do it, but if you rarely practice it, you'll lose the ability to do it. Like most things I guess.

Some head stands yesterday, and wheel pose for the first time in a while. The rest of class today was awesome forward bends, with some lovely assists.

Now, sleep.

I Found My Angusta!

2010-06-03T07:12:00.006-04:00

(Angusta = big toe.)

Supta Padangusthasana (photo source & pose info)

My whole yoga career I have used a strap to do this pose, but last night my hand found my toe!

(photo source)

I was practicing some poses last night - some sun salutations, dolphin pose, plank. Then stretching in halasana (plow pose) and shoulderstand. I was holding my legs straight into my body as I rolled back down to lying down. As my shins were near my face I grabbed my big toes and realized I was in a sort of supta pada pose. I decided to explore it a bit. I lowered one leg down and kept my big toe of my other foot in my fingers and there I was in supta padangusthasana, with my angusta in my hand!

Now, the head of my arm bones could have been a little further back, my knee could have been a little straighter, but my hips were level, my legs strong and my body (and brain) realized that it is possible!

It felt good to be practicing at home. It's what I've been neglecting since I've been at the studio so much. And even though it was 10pm, I still managed to have a nice 1/2 hour practice before bed.

Also, my biceps are more defined which I noticed yesterday, too. Both of those things are good since I was feeling all lumpy and gross yesterday, and it was nice to see that while I may look lumpy on the outside, on the inside I am strong and flexible.

My Favorite Pose (one of them)

2010-06-01T20:53:00.003-04:00

This is one of my favorite poses. Janu Sirsasana (pose info & photo source), head of the knee pose. The best part is when the teacher comes over, and moves my ribs over towards the straight leg and helps me melt forward further towards my foot. Today my face was almost on my shin. I love forward bend asssists. My hamstrings love them. They are my favorite part of class. I would not have believed that my hamstrings could be this long, and yet here they are.

And here I am.

Finding My Balance

2010-06-01T11:56:00.003-04:00

Whenever I do tree pose, I find myself thinking "I hate this pose. I can't balance. When is it over?" And of course, because I'm thinking that I can't balance, I can't balance.

I need to find some balance in other areas too.

Like my meals. I do really well some weeks having everything planned out and packed and feeling good through the whole day. Then there are days like today where I waited to long to eat breakfast (almond butter sandwich) and then lunch is beets, cauliflower and white rice. And a Sprite because my stomach feels weird and there was not ginger ale. A better choice might have been stopping at Whole Foods for some yogurt and an apple or cheese.

Let's plan better for the rest of the week, shall we?

And even my yoga practice is feeling unbalanced. Last week I went to a Foundation class on Tuesday night, then Level 1 on Thursday night, Level 1 on Friday morning, 2 hour beach walk on Friday afternoon (owie), Level 2/3 class on Saturday morning. Is it any wonder I got sick on Sunday? I need to figure out a good home practice so that during the beginning of the week I am building my stamina and not having so much of it crammed into Thursday - Saturday. I don't want to give up any of my end of the week classes, but I think I need a more intense practice on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday also.

Rallying, Sort of

2010-05-31T12:30:00.002-04:00

I woke up at 4:30am, on account of the birds, and thought about all the places I could go if I got up and drove - New Hampshire, breakfast on Cape Cod, etc. But then I realized I could also go back to sleep and rest my body, which is what I did. Until 9:30am.

I thought about riding my bike to World's End but the air is smokey and my lungs were a bit hackey this morning so I didn't. I did clean the kitchen and am boiling some golden beets and eating almost an entire head of steamed cauliflower with Bragg's amino acids on it.

I did not eat enough vegetables this week (unless pesto counts), which may be what led to my getting sick. I need to get back to having them as the base of my diet. Which means buying them. And preparing them so they are easy to grab and eat.

Also, even though I said I wasn't weighing myself, I have. I still haven't dropped a pound. I'm still right around 180 (never below.) And I'm realizing that even though this doesn't matter in yoga class, it might matter when I hike I think. I'm not going back to tracking my food and counting calories, as nothing changed then either, but I will just be conscious of the fact that these hikes will be different because I weigh more. But they will also be different because I am stronger. And older. So, who knows...

For now, I'm going to lie in the sun and read.

Not An Entirely Unproductive Day

2010-05-30T21:45:00.003-04:00

I washed my yoga mat with some baking soda and water and hung it out in the shade to dry. I sweated my heart out on that thing on Saturday, and my little feet are always stepping all over it so it needed a wash.

That was the most productive thing I did all day. I lay around and read for a bit. Then went and got some beef noodle soup from the Vietnamese place but I forgot that restaurant beef scares me and they put liver in my soup, so I just ate the noodles.

My arms are still sore. I didn't go see a movie. And now I'm going to bed.

Tomorrow I will wake up well and healthy and at a normal hour, and do things like walk outside and some yoga. Right? Yes.

Rest Day

2010-05-30T11:49:00.001-04:00

I long to be able to breathe through my nose. Despite my neti pot, a hot shower with eucalyptus soap and some good old cold medication, I am still whistling through my nose with each breath. My arms are sore. My legs are sore. I am out of eggs and the people I buy them from haven't had any in a while so I don't know what to do. My house is a mess.

I want to walk or hike. I want to put a blanket on the ground and lie in the yard in the sun with the dog until it's time to go see Sex and The City 2.

I want a bowl of pho, or bi bim bap or something spicy to clear all this congestion. But instead I'll have some fresh mozzarella and pesto on potato bread because that's what I have.

And I'll take all the recycling and trash to the landfill. And I'll rest today.

There Are Few Words

2010-05-29T18:10:00.004-04:00

There are few words to describe what yoga class was like this morning. I'll try. Hard. Arms. Side plank. Sweaty. So sweaty. Plank. More plank. Crow. Savasana. Tears. Yes, a class so transformative that tears came during savasana.

One of those classes where when you leave you feel absolutely high on life, while knowing that you pushed your body to its limits. One of those classes where in the first 15 minutes you think you are going to die. 40 minutes into it you have to leave the room for a paper towel to wipe the sweat that has been pouring off you, and somehow Sun Salutations become a place to rest and relax. Headstand is restorative and by shoulderstand you could fall asleep. And as you lie in savasana you can't believe what you've done. The poses are mostly all the same as all the other times. But the sequencing, the holding, the concentration. Lord have mercy.

Now, nursing a cold in the right side of my head. Hungry but not hungry. Hoping some ravioli with arugula and almond pesto will be helpful. Just wanting to lie down and wake up well.

I really wanted to hike tomorrow or Monday. My body (below the neck) feels fine. My head apparently thinks some resting is in order. And lots of nose blowing.

Because I Can

2010-05-29T07:15:00.005-04:00

Woke up sore this morning. Am hobbling around making my coffee, readying my things for my day: shower, farmer's market, yoga, family get-together.

I briefly considered not going to yoga. But then I realized that the ability I have to move my arms and legs, and the access I have to a wonderful teacher are gifts that I should not turn away from and cannot take for granted. And the fact that I do not have children that need to be tended to or cows and goats that need to be fed means this time is all mine to do as I please. Again, a gift.

What gifts have you been given today that you will not waste?